Clouded Soul

These past few months I've experienced the worst depression of my life. I've cried to the Lord and been dismayed to find stony silence.

We were on vacation recently in Ketchum, Idaho, our hotel room nestled snugly between two mountains. I admired the glorious view of Bald Mountain from my bed, tracing the bleached ski runs amongst the green-black pine. The second morning the mountain vanished. A think gray wall of fog obliterated it, camouflaging 9,150 feet of sedimentary rock into a slate-colored air. It was gone. Completely invisible. We may as well have been in the Great Plains.

And then, my Friend spoke to me. I'm still here, He said. Just like the mountain. Remember me. Remember the times you have seen me and rested on me and known me. Even though the fog of depression makes it look like I'm gone, I'm here. I will never leave you or forsake you. Trust me. Even when it is scary. Even though I don't promise to follow your plan. Know that I love you, and that I'm taking care of you, even when I hurt you. I love you. Don't forget that.

And so, I will wait on the Lord. I will look forward to the day when the sun is out again, and I can see the mountain in its majesty. In the meantime I will rest and trust that God is there and then He is taking care of me.

The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?
Psalm 27:1

I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait,
And in His word do I hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
More than the watchmen for the morning;
Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning.
Psalm 130:5

Peace

Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold. Ps 46:10-11


This verse has been such a stronghold for me of late. The Lord is with me, I don't have to make everything work out. I can spend the last dollar I have, not make the right decision, or lose my temper. Those things don't thwart God. He takes care of His people, and I am His.

Sudden Terror

A few nights ago, I had a nightmare.

In the dream, I was at a friend's house with my children. Brian had to run an errand, so he left  in the van and had to wait for him to come back. Our friends had recently moved into this house which was comfortable and nice, except for the roof and attic portion. There were many unfinished openings that led to the attic. A horrible faceless monster lived there and It continually let down a noose to snare the foot of any inattentive person. I was astonished that my friends continued to live in this house. In fact, they carried on as if nothing unusual was happening. Worse yet, I found that as I stayed there and visited with them I became distracted and was not watching my son. Numerous times the Evil in the attic nearly snared his foot to draw him into the attic and consume him. Finally I fled the house with the children.

When I woke up, I couldn't shake this dream because I realized that this nightmare was a reality-- we do have an Enemy who roams about, seeking to devour us. I also realized that I am just like my friends in the dream: distracted and forgetful of the very real and present danger. Brian and I prayed for Iain that morning and I've been praying frequently since then for him, that enemy would not ensnare him.

A friend passed this word of comfort along to me:

"Do not be afraid of sudden terror

or of the ruin of the wicked, when it comes,

for the Lord will be your confidence

and will keep your foot from being caught." Proverbs 3:25-26

Thank you Lord, for that promise. Please make it so for my son. Thank you for reminding me of the vigilance of our fearful Enemy. Thank you that you are on our side. Please protect Iain. Give me wisdom and watchfulness to keep him from danger. Help me not forget that this world, normal as it seems, has a lurking Enemy. Thank you that You protect us from him and that he is powerless against You. In Jesus' name, amen.

Whose kingdom am I building?

"Come, let us build for ourselves a city, and a tower whose top will reach into heaven and let us make for ourselves a name..." Gen 11:4

Reading this, I have to ask myself a hard question: how much of my discontent in my life really boils down to this, to seeking my own glory? A lot, if I'm honest. Yes sometimes my circumstances are difficult. There isn't enough time or enough money to do what I want. But there is always enough to do what God wants, if I'm seeking his glory instead of my own.

Please change my heart Lord. Help me not want to establish my own kingdom and my own glory. Thank you for forgiving me and loving me. Amen.

Mila Evangeline

My beautiful girl is here! She is a bigger blessing than I could have imagined. I'm so enjoying nuzzling her soft sweetness. My heart is overflowing with love and joy, despite the fact that I have more responsibility now than I know how to handle.

Unless the LORD builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it;
Unless the LORD guards the city,
The watchman keeps awake in vain.
² It is vain for you to rise up early,
To retire late,
To eat the bread of painful labors;
For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.
 ³ Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
⁴ Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
⁵ How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.
-Psalm 127

 It is a blessing to know that just as she was a generous gift from God, He will also take care of us, even when I am too weak. So instead of thinking about all the things that I can't do, I'm just going to rest and know that God is my help.

Sleep in safety and peace, sweet girl. God has got you.

Waiting

All Nora's words

The doctor's office asked us how many words Nora knows. We gave them a guess: maybe about 70.

But that started us counting all the words Nora says. We didn't count anything she says when she is just repeating what other people say; we kept it to words that she's really mastered, knows what they mean, and uses in regular conversation. The current count is 175! We read somewhere that the average 2-year-old knows 150 words. Nora is only 1 1/2 years old! What a verbal little girl we have!

Here they are, in no particular order:

mama, daddy, Iain, baby, blanket

get down, no, yes, sorry, please

thank you, church, bye bye, hello, night night (goodnight)

diaper, wipe, messy, yucky, pretty

bow, have it, go, let go, see you later!

Friday, Jesus, book, Bible, peepo (peekaboo)

Peekaboo (our dog), rabbit, sheep, chichen (chicken), cow

moo, sobbies (strawberries), toast, milk, water

thirsty, Mila, sister, shhh, come up

more please, hungry, Word World, watch (as in look), watch (as in wristwatch)

look, riding, whee (swing or slide), ball, bosch (baseball)

jammin' (pajamas), dress, shoes, on, off

dog, funny, quack-quack (what a chichen says), ee-i-ee-i (farm), hat

glasses, eye(s), nose, ear, mouth

kiss, belly, feet, toes, hand

head, hair, all right!, wuv you, pants

hurt self!, broken, oush! (ouch), dolly, sleepy

bug car, truck, outside, flower, wash

this bear, eat, uh oh!, munch (lunch), phone

nana, stinkies, cracker, hot, ships

cookie, apple, bike, read, stop

help, oh cool!, giraffe, monkey, lion

hippopotamus, gentle, Nora, sit down, fall

clean up, here, open, bop bop (drink), horses

bounce, bouncin', gabbage (garbage), fish, aweshome! (awesome)

shirt, chin, cheeks, guys, house

take that, talking, train, close, deer

chair, seat, gun, bird, airplane

coming, bite, good, growl!, light

ambulance, fasht! (fast), goin', chop!, drivin'

what's that?, done, do it!, elk, other one

fix, hit, now, aw!, covers

game, clothes, tiger, food, cryin'

kick, stroller, pen, climb, strap

doctor, how are you? good, run! yay!