Lifting up my eyes

I never make New Year's resolutions. I guess I figure I'm not gonna keep 'em. If I am going to set goals, there is nothing magical about a new calendar year that will  somehow wipe away the past failures or give me a better chance of success.

 

That said, I've changed my mind this year. While it is an arbitrary time, it is good to have some time to look back, evaluate, and set goals.

I tend to be a lot better at the looking back part. "I should have..." "Why didn't I...?" and all the glorious, jagged agony of regret.

This shame-based exercise is not godly. It is self-focused, not God-focused.

It assumes god-like traits on my part; the ability to know everything, including the future, the ability to be sinless, the ability to always execute my will perfectly. It is not noble, excellent, praiseworthy, lovely or admirable.

It doesn't lead to repentance and a closer relationship with the Lord. It leads to shame and a wrong understanding of who I am before the throne of God.

I am not defined by my failures or successes, but by who I am in God's eyes.

I am His bride.

 He died for me.

I am His heir.

I am His worshipper.

I am His child.

I am clothed in the righteousness of Jesus.

I want to look back in a godly way, seeing the imperfect progress I am making, the slow restoration of soul, that God is working in me. I want to thank Him for never leaving me. I want to revel in His forgiveness and mercy. I want to bask in His perfection, instead of trying to achieve my own. I want this reflection to draw me closer to Him.

Last night we sat down and thought about what God taught us this year, the trials He has walked us through.

We prayed about concerns for the New Year. We prayed with the kids and wrote our prayer requests down so that we can see how God answers them.

I am setting my sights on 2013. Ann Voskamp mentioned that she names her year. I've been pondering this, not sure if it would work for me. Isn't that a little bold, naming a whole year before I have any idea of what happens in it? I can grasp the concept of naming it after it is over and known. Maybe 2012 was the year of hidden hope, the year of the sprained ankle, the year I-almost-lost-it-all.

Yet the idea of naming the year beforehand won't quite let go of me. The idea of looking through all the events that happen with a certain filter, seems so hopeful and reorienting. It seems like it would be a way of truth-telling to yourself. Hey, don't forget, this is the year you have named Hope, Joy, Peace...! It seems like a guard-rail or a treasure hunt. Maybe it is a bit like naming your child-- choosing a name in the face of the unknown, hoping to call out and cultivate goodness and blessing.

Maybe it is ok to set goals. Maybe it is ok to hope. Maybe it is ok to name a year before the first day has ended. Maybe when I stumble and fall this naming will call me onward and upward.

So what I am calling 2013?

The year of Seeking His Face.

This year I want to lift up my eyes to the glorious eternal truths, instead of my circumstances. I want to value what God values, not what my flesh says I need to chase. I want to have eyes only for my Savior. I want savor His presence. He is the sweet husband who gently lifts my head when I became ashamed or engulfed in sin. He is my shield and my very great reward. 

You have said, “Seek my face.”
My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.” Psalm 27:8

I hope to live 2013 with head tilted up, my heart singing His praise, my mind filled with His Word, thinking His thoughts after Him. I want to live every day with this reminder to turn my my face towards His, to hear Him in word, to draw near to my heavenly Father. Your face, Lord, do I seek.

Mila Evangeline

My beautiful girl is here! She is a bigger blessing than I could have imagined. I'm so enjoying nuzzling her soft sweetness. My heart is overflowing with love and joy, despite the fact that I have more responsibility now than I know how to handle.

Unless the LORD builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it;
Unless the LORD guards the city,
The watchman keeps awake in vain.
² It is vain for you to rise up early,
To retire late,
To eat the bread of painful labors;
For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.
 ³ Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
⁴ Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
⁵ How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.
-Psalm 127

 It is a blessing to know that just as she was a generous gift from God, He will also take care of us, even when I am too weak. So instead of thinking about all the things that I can't do, I'm just going to rest and know that God is my help.

Sleep in safety and peace, sweet girl. God has got you.

Waiting

Surprised Again: Proof That Our God is Not Small

So as everyone who knows me, or has seen me lately knows, I am pregnant with our third child! Marvelous, mysterious grace of God!  

He makes the barren woman abide in the house As a joyful mother of children. Praise the LORD! Psalm 113:9

We know we are expecting a daughter in a little less than 10 weeks time. Here is a note I wrote for facebook to announce our choice of her name:


So we've finally decided on a name for our daughter.  We like to name our children based on the meaning of the name, which can be challenging. There are so many names that are beautiful that don't have a meaning we like and names with wonderful meanings that are just impossibly ugly.

After talking about what we wanted this baby's name to mean we kept coming back to the idea of abundance or overwhelming fullness. As most of you know, we aren't supposed to be able to have children, and Iain was adopted as an embryo. His birth was the result of many tears, prayer, pain and money. But God remembered us, and a healthy boy was born! Elinor was a surprise after 6 years of infertility and we thought: God is good. Look how he has turned our sadness into joy. But little did we know that God planned to do more than we could ever ask or think, and we found ourselves expecting our third child. This verse kept popping into my mind:

"Surely your waste and your desolate places
   and your devastated land—
surely now you will be too narrow for your inhabitants,
   and those who swallowed you up will be far away.
 The children of your bereavement
   will yet say in your ears:
'The place is too narrow for me;
   make room for me to dwell in.'
Then you will say in your heart:
   'Who has borne me these?
 I was bereaved and barren,
   exiled and put away,
   but who has brought up these?
Behold, I was left alone;
   from where have these come?'"
Isaiah 49:19-21

We laughed in disbelief over Elinor's birth, we struggle to process the overwhelming gift of this new child. We feel stretched thin and inadequate to hold this gift in so many ways. And we feel deeply blessed that the Lord would deem it good to give us a new baby. Truly we can say:

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

So we began searching for names that meant abundant, full or rich. We came across Horeb (horrible!) and Revayah (revile?). Then we came across this psalm:

  Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
         So are the children of one's youth.
   How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
         They will not be ashamed
         When they speak with their enemies in the gate. Psalm 127:4-5

How fitting that this psalm out of any of the other instances of the words full or abundant would be the instance of the word full that prove to be our baby's name. The Hebrew word is melah. We are naming our third child:

Mila Evangeline Douglas
"The Lord has filled me with his good news"

"The angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people..." Luke 2:10

We look forward to meeting Mila (pronounced with a long e sound, meelah) in person somewhere around August 11, 2011.

"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
         You have anointed my head with oil;
         My cup overflows.
    Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
         And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever." Psalm 23:56-6

Life, Interrupted

Its time to come back to the blog. Yes, I'm busy. No, I'm not sure who reads this. But I have a terrible memory and I need to express what God is doing in my life. So I make no pledges of fidelity or regularity in posting, but I am not dead yet and neither is this blog. :)

Tomorrow is Iain's 5th birthday. What a sweet celebration. It's just good to sit and bask in the goodness of the Lord that I have a smart, funny, sweet son who loves trains, tow trucks, ambulances, and VW Bugs. A boy who is as full of contradictions as I am, wriggling and complaining in church, and yet also making up his songs of praise to Jesus. A boy with chocolate eyes and an electric smile. A boy who loves his two sisters with all his heart even though the youngest hasn't even arrived yet. From roughly 80 cells created by strangers, to a freezer, to my womb, to the contemplative little boy that I hug and kiss every day, who tells me he loves me "a million eighty-four, a million eighty-four, a million eighty-four" every night at bedtime.

Thank you Lord Jesus, for remembering my son and watching over him all the days of his life. Thank you for this beautiful gift of love and grace to me. Help me to teach him Your ways. Amen.

Gratuitous Baby Photos

Most of these are quite old. Time to do another photo session!

Lord of the harvest

The LORD will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest. Psalm 85:12

We've had a cold snap here lately-- the first taste of fall. With my new internal heater, I'm only too happy for some cooler weather. Alas, the cold has killed our garden. I harvested the last four zucchini yesterday. For novice gardeners we had a great crop and we learned a lot. We planted onions, tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, basil, cilantro, mint, pepperchinis, and strawberries. Our apple tree bore loads of apples, but they are sadly infested with worms. Next year we will be better prepared and spray in the spring.


I made fresh salsa, zucchini grinders, zucchini muffins, zucchini bread, and pesto. We had the blessing of sharing our abundance with friends and neighbors too. Next year I hope to learn to can and make more of our harvest last through the winter. I do have about 18 cups of shredded zucchini and some pesto frozen. We are also hoping to plant more variety and a much denser garden to increase yield and keep weeds out. Iain is very firm that next year he wants to have corn! I'd like to plant pumpkin and bell peppers as well. Next year our strawberries and rhubarb will be more mature and hopefully we will see more fruit from them.


It has been amazing to see food coming out of the ground in our backyard-- truly more than we were prepared to handle. What a blessing and such a wondrous testimony to God's loving care for His people and His world. It was great for this city girl to get a taste of the rhythm of the natural world this year.

The Big Reveal

Yesterday we went to the doctor's office for our ultrasound. Baby looks beautifully healthy, praise God! It is so amazing that a whole new person can be formed in 9 months in such a small place. The complexity of the human body is mind boggling, and day after day, healthy babies are born all around the world. God is so good. It is hard to describe how blessed we feel to have our own special little one.

Well, you are probably wondering if we saw what baby's gender is. We did. It's a girl! We are all very happy to have a new little girl for our family. Mama is very excited to buy dresses and bows and Iain is looking forward to holding his baby sister very carefully. Papa is already calculating wedding costs and planning to protect her. :) None of us can wait to meet her.

We haven't decided on her name yet, so we'll keep you posted. I feel her moving all the time and I can't wait until Brian and Iain can feel her too. We are so blessed to have our precious baby girl!

Dear Heavenly Father,
You have been so generous and kind to us. You have given us far beyond what we could imagine or deserve. Thank you for keeping our precious little girl safe and strong. Thank you for giving us our dear son-- protecting and keeping him. Thank you for our family. You are the God of the unexpected, the champion of the weak, the one who turns tragedy to joy and darkness to light. We love You and long to worship You all the days of our lives. Praise Your holy name. Thank you for remembering and caring for Your people and covering them with your covenant of love and mercy. Help us to begin to love others with a portion of the love that You have loved us with. In Jesus' name, amen.

And we're baaaaaaaaack.

It has been a very long time since I've written on my blog. On one hand, I really don't like that because it means there is a gap in our little collection of family memories, but on the other hand, I don't mind so much, because sometimes you don't have much to say, or life intervenes with more pressing cares than journaling.

But a lot has happened since I last wrote here-- we're slowly settling into our new house, we've planted a vegetable garden and have 3 chickens, my mom and sister came for a visit, we traded our enormous 4 poster bed for an old Jeep, we went to San Francisco.

And we got the biggest and best surprise of our lives. God has opened my womb and we are expecting a new baby in early February. This news is so amazing that we still ask ourselves if it can possibly be true.

I really feel that this baby is a miracle, given all the damage inside my body. This child is such a special gift from the Lord. I wonder what purpose he has for this new person? I'm so excited for Iain to have a little brother or sister. He doesn't know yet, but has lately been praying for "a new buddy for our family." He came up with this idea all on his own, and the timing is good!

So we are rejoicing here. I've been so thankful for summer break as Brian has been home to take care of Iain and household chores while I've been sick. Morning sickness started at about 4 weeks with this baby and I've been pretty tired too. I'm looking forward to being finished with the first trimester and going about my regular routine again.

A New Home for the Douglas Family

We're under contract on a HOUSE! A perfect little house for us, right in the city, with a nice backyard and washer dryer hookups! Here it is:


Welcome to our home. This is is our new living room.


Here is the dining area.

The kitchen.


The hallway, complete with two friendly faces.


I have more pictures of the bedrooms and the bath, but blogger was giving me grief about posting them right, so it will have to wait.

And the backyard with plenty of running room!


We're hoping to close March 17th. Buying a house at this point was so far beyond our expectations or even hopes. This is just a phenomenal blessing from God. Thank you Lord for blessing us over and above what we could think possible.

We're just thrilled to pieces!

Inauguration Day

I'm sitting here watching the Inauguration and I'm struck, as many people must be, by the sight of political rivals embracing. Of course, it is for show, but it is amazing. In so many countries this show of unity is impossible. In so many countries and in so many times past, political rivals strike and kill one another with no regard for the safety and happiness of the people of the nation. Thank you, dear Lord for the peace of our country. You have blessed us so richly here. We have day to day peace-- we expect and take it for granted. Our lives are stable and our standard of living is one of the highest in the world. Please forgive my complaining heart for the very few things I don't have. Please wash away that sense of entitlement that I and so many of my compatriots have been born with. Forgive and release from complacency and the idols of personal peace and affluence. Help me to use this peace and stability to further your kingdom, not to feed my flesh. Thank you for forgiving me for my sins. Thank you for your graciousness to me. Praise your holy name. Amen.

Thanksgiving Fun

Over Thanksgiving we had the blessing of receiving a visit from a good friend from Brian's college days. Adam was here for a week and we had a great time catching up with him. With all the transition that we've had lately, it was great to be with someone who remembers the person I was 10 years ago! Adam was a groomsman in our wedding and Brian's roommate in college.

We had a fun week hanging out. On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving we drove up Highway 55 to see some mountain scenery and to give the guys a chance to do some fishing.


I can't help but like the feeling this picture gives me.



I like that you can see Brian's reflection in this shot.

Iain enjoyed climbing on the rocks and watching Papa and Adam fish. He and I also picked up some nice pine cones that are now part of our Christmas centerpiece.


We stopped in a couple of interesting small towns. This was had the somewhat dubious name of Crouch.


We all got a kick out of this street sign in Idaho Falls. Apparently the Main Street/Wall Street financial divide isn't as big there.


We also stopped for a few pictures at a really pretty trail head. We couldn't get out and hike because Iain was napping in the car.





And just to entice the rest of you to visit:


Iain had fun running around and playing with the snow up in the mountains.



For Thanksgiving we headed over to David and Stormy's house. The kids had a blast playing on the trampoline while waiting for dinner to cook.



The pretty table setting.


We had a great time. The food was amazing and the company was wonderful. We stayed all day enjoying the conversation. Adam snapped this family photo for us.

I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving. We had a wonderful visit with Adam. He and Brian even got to go to the last Bronco game of their perfect season. They rushed the field and Brian got to touch the WAC trophy. Needless to say, they were thrilled.

The ungrateful debtor

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever.

I was recently looking for a few books about thanksgiving to read to Iain in preparation for this wonderful holiday and I found nothing suitable. The books I saw were either about the somewhat dubious historical origins of the holiday or about eating or at best about "giving thanks". But of those few books that actually talked about thankfulness, even fewer mentioned who we were supposed to be thankful to. Most read like "A List of Things I Like". I like my house, my car, my food, my toys, my family. So thanks, whoever is out there, for giving me some things I like.

But what about people who have nothing? Or have a terminal illness? Or have lost something they value deeply? Are they called to thankfulness?

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar. Psalm 42:4-5

I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me.

I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.

This will please the LORD more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hoofs. Psalm 69:29-31

What are we truly thankful for?

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever.

I'm thankful for his unshakeable love that chose me before the world began. For the heartache He has saved me from and for the heartache He has led me through. I'm thankful for His almighty power which can never ever fail. I'm thankful for His goodness. He is purity itself. How lovely to look at unadulterated good. There is not even the tiniest flaw in Him, and if I think so it is because there are deep flaws in me. I'm thankful for His lovingkindness that loves me, the covenant breaker. The murder, the adulterer, the idolator, the thief. I'm thankful that though this world is broken, it can not break me, because of the One who died and shed His immortal blood for me. Thank you God!

And can it be that I should gain
An interest in the Savior’s blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain—
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in Him, is mine;
Alive in Him, my living Head,
And clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach th’eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
Bold I approach th’eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.

And Can It Be, Charles Wesley

Dear Father, Please fill my heart with the true spirit of thanksgiving, this week and always. In Jesus' name, Amen.

First American Halloween

We took Iain to a trunk-or-treat party on Wednesday night, and being the frugal mama that I am, I decided to make Iain's halloween costume. He is a train-- and a very sad one-- if you can't tell from the pictures.

He actually refused to wear this costume on Wednesday, so we transitioned to a backup. Iain the builder!

Here he is wearing a fireman's hat that they gave him that night. Costume # 3! It was at about this point, while admiring the candy haul, that Iain decided dressing up was ok.

So on Friday he wore his costume without too much complaint.



This was our first time taking Iain trick or treating, and it was such a blessing. I wanted to have a child for so long-- it is such a joy to get to do kid stuff with our son. He did very well saying thank you to everyone. We had dinner with our friend Melody and then walked around the block trick or treating. We all had a really nice time.

Bargain Shopping

I've had a few people ask me how to do this, so I'll pass along a few tips. I'm no expert at this, but I'm happy to share what I know.

I always thought I was pretty good with coupons and deals, but my friend Marissa opened up a whole new world to me this summer. (Thanks so much Marissa!)

1. Get a coupon stash. To get these good deals you need to start accumulating manufacturer's coupons that you can combine with sales and store coupons to get good deals. If you can get multiple copies of the same coupons, all the better. But for our family, we just get the Sunday paper and I make do with those. I also print coupons from www.coupons.com and other places online. Make sure to check to see if your store accepts coupons printed from the internet before you get in the checkout line.

2. Watch the deals. I look through the ads and coupons on Sunday and I follow several blogs that track the sales and deals. These sites will show you how to combine sales, store coupons, manufacturer's coupons, and loyalty rewards programs. I like:

www.moneysavingmom.com
www.couponmom.com
http://grocerycartchallenge.blogspot.com/
http://www.commonsensewithmoney.com/

3. Read the fine print and know your store's policies. Be sure to read your coupons carefully. Check the sizes, quantities, and styles included in the offer. Sometimes it looks like you can use a coupon with a sale, but a tiny detail will make your coupon ineligible. :( Sometimes you have to buy a certain quantity of an item to get a sale price, but sometimes you only have to buy one. Some stores limit the number coupons you can use in a transaction. For instance, Walgreens doesn't allow you to use more coupons than you have items, so you may need to plan to purchase an extra small item. Don't be afraid to ask questions if a coupon is rejected or a sale price doen't ring up. In my experience sometimes I have misunderstood an offer but other times things just don't ring up correctly and my order can be adjusted. If you are using lots of coupons, be prepared to have the manager called to help with your order. Have the store ad at hand to show them.

4. Set aside some money to invest. Walgreens has a rebate program that gives you your rebates back on a gift card. To begin building up a credit on your Walgreens card, you'll need to lay out some money initially. Every month they offer free after rebate items, but it takes about a month to get that money back on the card. But once you've made that initial outlay you can use that same money over and over to buy the free after rebate items. It also helps to give yourself a little money to spend while you are starting out because it is easy to make a lot of mistakes as you begin learning.

5. Give yourself some grace.Don't fret when you do make a few mistakes. And don't worry if you miss a deal or two along the way. Just do your best and thank God for what he provides for you.

6. Don't succomb to coupon obession. The one problem with following the sales is that you become more susceptible to marketing. This can foster the desire to go shopping or to buy new things that you don't need because it is a "good deal". Limit yourself to buying things that your family needs or would use anyway. Know your prices and don't buy things that you can get cheaper elsewhere without coupons-- at a garage sale, at the dollar store, or your local discount grocery store.

Happy shopping and be sure to let me know if you get some good deals!

Last Days in the United Kingdom

We're living in the midst of suitcases and boxes at the moment, but interspersed with the busyness and stress of packing have been wonderful times with friends and last visits to favourite haunts. On Wednesday we had a two visitors from the States and we took them to Seaford Head:




After walking a little way up the cliffs, we drove further on to one of my very favorite spots, Beachy Head. I'd never actually seen it on a sunny warm day before. Unfortunately, my pictures didn't come out, so there are just a few to share here.


Then we stopped at a pretty country pub for Elderflower cordial and Pimm's.

This is the only picture I got of Taylor and Brian!


Yesterday we drove up to Gatwick for more boxes and on the way back we stopped off in Ashdown Forest to see Pooh Bridge!

Iain thoroughly enjoyed the walk down. We collected sticks, saw a toad, found a hollow log, picked up some pebbles and stood on a stump. Iain got filthy and had a fabulous time.

Pooh sticks!


The stump!

Racing our Pooh sticks under Pooh Bridge.


What a lovely place-- just one of many near our home that we love.

We went home and packed some more, visited with our dear friend Anthony, and had supper with our friends Phil and Maria. It was a busy, blessed day, like many we've had recently.

Bye, bye, England! We will miss you!