My Sole Comfort

The only place that I have been able to find peace in the midst of turmoil has been in meditation on God my Father and Savior. Reflecting on the ultimate reality of God ruling from His throne in heaven and on the end of all time puts this life in perspective. What other religion can offer such true hope and comfort in the midst of bodily pain and emotional agony? There is nothing trite or touchy-feely about God. His is royal and good and perfect, the most important and supreme being of all time. He deserves our worship and adoration at all times because of who He is, and He has the right to order our lives however He wishes. How foolish we are! We think we control our ends, but we don't. We can not extend life past what He wills, we think we can control how many children we have and when, we think we can do anything if we believe in ourselves enough. That is false and ridiculous. We can't even control the events of one day. Have I ever been able to "believe" myself out of a traffic jam, or a death, or a lost job? No. How foolish and arrogant we are before the face of God. We mistake His patience for ignorance.

My intent was not to write all of that, but I will leave it, because I believe it. I believed it before this all happened, but you are forced to understand God's complete power at a deeper level when you are powerless.

And yet although He is so strong and mighty, Ruler of all, He does not flaunt it over us or torture us. He is not a tyrant, but a humble and loving King who cares for His people enough to die for them! Incredible. Amazing.

I have been angry at God at various times during this illness. Yet He loves me and forgives me for this. How do I know? Because at the very moment I am yelling at Him in the name of prayer, my spirit breaks and cries for comfort and mercy like a little worn-out child and He grants it. Sweet relief for the tortured mind. Twice now, I have cried out to Him destitute of joy and strength and He has renewed me through the words of others immediately. What a precious gift and a reminder that although things are difficult, and although I do not handle them well, He is there and He loves me. He feels compassion for me. I am his daughter, His precious one, whom He disciplines for a short time (what is a lifetime when compared to eternity?) for her own good.

What I am learning through this? To love Him and His kingdom more than anything that this world has to offer. The lust of the flesh is still strong, and I still feel the pull of this earth greatly. But through this trial, He is loosening some of the ties that bind my heart has to this fleeting life. What good will nicer cars do me? They don't make me feel less dizzy, or ease the pain in my abdomen. More prestige or recognition? That would not make me a better, more complete person. That would just give me more pride to struggle with. A baby? What good is it to propagate this vain life if you have no hope for eternity? A positive mindset? Why, if not in Christ? All I have to look forward to in this life right now is physical pain, medical expenses, and treatments with a 30% success rate. Nothing heals the soul like Christ. Nothing else grants meaning to life. In Him is joy and meaning, even when physical circumstances seem grim and meaningless. Hallmark has nothing that can make you feel better, but Christ offers His stern and glorious words of comfort in Scripture.