At about 7:20, some plastic bags that have been sitting up top of the wardrobe for ages, fell off and hit me in the bed. Startled, I couldn't go back to sleep. I got up and turned on the computer, but it wouldn't boot up. DOS gave an error message that the boot was damaged. Could our repository of so much information, our link to home, our relatively new computer have had it? This is so not the time for this, I thought bitterly. How could you, God? Why do you have to make things so hard? Do you enjoy frustrating your children? I saw my oft-neglected Bible on the shelf. Is that what you want, Lord? I'm not sure I want to talk to you right now. Alright, alright. What do you want to tell me?
It pains me to write that. Is that really how I talk to the creator of the universe, my heavenly husband, my precious savior? Oh dear Lord, please forgive me. I'm so sorry for taking you for granted.
I opened up to Romans which I am reading through on the rare occasions that I make time for God's word in my day.
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. " Rejoice? Why? I don't feel like rejoicing God. Everything is crap right now. You know that. You made it all happen. What do I have to be happy about right now?
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Oh Lord. You do see me. You do remember my circumstances. Thank you.
"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation." That's it, isn't it God? That's what I'm supposed to rejoice in when life sucks. It really is a great salvation.
This put in mind of that passage in Hebrews about God chastening his sons, so I looked that up too.
Hebrews 12
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." What horrible awful opposition it was. The ingratitude of humankind is immeasurable. Forgive me, Lord.
"In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.'
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." This is just what I do with Iain, small as he is. He gets so frustrated when he can't do what he wants, but he has no idea how much I love him and want the best for him. I do want to share in God's holiness. Oh how I need to remember how temporary this life is!
"Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees." Thank you Lord for remembering that I am weak.
"Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son." How like Esau I can be! He was so short-sighted and the only reality he lived by was the present temporary situation. I don't want to look at those things. I want to value the eternal.
"Afterward, as you know, when he wanted to inherit this blessing, he was rejected. He could bring about no change of mind, though he sought the blessing with tears. You have not come to a mountain that can be touched and that is burning with fire; to darkness, gloom and storm; to a trumpet blast or to such a voice speaking words that those who heard it begged that no further word be spoken to them, because they could not bear what was commanded: 'If even an animal touches the mountain, it must be stoned.'The sight was so terrifying that Moses said, 'I am trembling with fear.'
But you have come to Mount Zion, to the heavenly Jerusalem, the city of the living God. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the judge of all men, to the spirits of righteous men made perfect, to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel. Hallelujah!
See to it that you do not refuse him who speaks. If they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, how much less will we, if we turn away from him who warns us from heaven? At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, 'Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.' The words 'once more' indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain.
Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our 'God is a consuming fire'."
Praise the Lord.
See, it wasn't just the computer this morning. I've had a bad week in terms of my health. And I've recently gotten the news that I have another cyst growing, this time on the left ovary. And it is just hard. I get frustrated with the dizziness, the fatigue, the pain and the very grossness of it all. It's funding time again, and as we wait to hear back about where the money that we'll be living on is going to come from, it's stressful. The Lord has blessed us beyond our means with trips, but we have the least amount of money we've ever had, and we didn't have a great deal to begin with. We don't know how long we'll be here or where we'll go after this. We don't know anything and we are literally strangers in a strange land missing the familiar things of home.
But praise the Lord. All of that is nothing compared to what He has done for me and will do for me yet. I cling to Him and thank Him for His mercy to me, even as I try to push Him away. Today I'm going to stop being short-sighted like Esau and by the Lord's sweet grace, rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Praise God, He is coming! O Lord haste the day!
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