Lifting up my eyes

I never make New Year's resolutions. I guess I figure I'm not gonna keep 'em. If I am going to set goals, there is nothing magical about a new calendar year that will  somehow wipe away the past failures or give me a better chance of success.

 

That said, I've changed my mind this year. While it is an arbitrary time, it is good to have some time to look back, evaluate, and set goals.

I tend to be a lot better at the looking back part. "I should have..." "Why didn't I...?" and all the glorious, jagged agony of regret.

This shame-based exercise is not godly. It is self-focused, not God-focused.

It assumes god-like traits on my part; the ability to know everything, including the future, the ability to be sinless, the ability to always execute my will perfectly. It is not noble, excellent, praiseworthy, lovely or admirable.

It doesn't lead to repentance and a closer relationship with the Lord. It leads to shame and a wrong understanding of who I am before the throne of God.

I am not defined by my failures or successes, but by who I am in God's eyes.

I am His bride.

 He died for me.

I am His heir.

I am His worshipper.

I am His child.

I am clothed in the righteousness of Jesus.

I want to look back in a godly way, seeing the imperfect progress I am making, the slow restoration of soul, that God is working in me. I want to thank Him for never leaving me. I want to revel in His forgiveness and mercy. I want to bask in His perfection, instead of trying to achieve my own. I want this reflection to draw me closer to Him.

Last night we sat down and thought about what God taught us this year, the trials He has walked us through.

We prayed about concerns for the New Year. We prayed with the kids and wrote our prayer requests down so that we can see how God answers them.

I am setting my sights on 2013. Ann Voskamp mentioned that she names her year. I've been pondering this, not sure if it would work for me. Isn't that a little bold, naming a whole year before I have any idea of what happens in it? I can grasp the concept of naming it after it is over and known. Maybe 2012 was the year of hidden hope, the year of the sprained ankle, the year I-almost-lost-it-all.

Yet the idea of naming the year beforehand won't quite let go of me. The idea of looking through all the events that happen with a certain filter, seems so hopeful and reorienting. It seems like it would be a way of truth-telling to yourself. Hey, don't forget, this is the year you have named Hope, Joy, Peace...! It seems like a guard-rail or a treasure hunt. Maybe it is a bit like naming your child-- choosing a name in the face of the unknown, hoping to call out and cultivate goodness and blessing.

Maybe it is ok to set goals. Maybe it is ok to hope. Maybe it is ok to name a year before the first day has ended. Maybe when I stumble and fall this naming will call me onward and upward.

So what I am calling 2013?

The year of Seeking His Face.

This year I want to lift up my eyes to the glorious eternal truths, instead of my circumstances. I want to value what God values, not what my flesh says I need to chase. I want to have eyes only for my Savior. I want savor His presence. He is the sweet husband who gently lifts my head when I became ashamed or engulfed in sin. He is my shield and my very great reward. 

You have said, “Seek my face.”
My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.” Psalm 27:8

I hope to live 2013 with head tilted up, my heart singing His praise, my mind filled with His Word, thinking His thoughts after Him. I want to live every day with this reminder to turn my my face towards His, to hear Him in word, to draw near to my heavenly Father. Your face, Lord, do I seek.

The God Who Sees

Today is just one of those days when raw emotion teeters on a knife blade in my heart. Everyone I see and touch has felt pain and it slices through me with every greeting.

It is one of those days when I am exceptionally aware of the brokenness of the world. Disease, pain, death stalking every life. Like broken china, the sharp edges of life leave me gasping in pain and marveling that something so beautiful can be so sharp.

Maranatha, Lord Jesus. Come and heal us. We need you so. Come for the young moms with cancer, the children who are stunted, those locked in the isolation of their minds wondering why everyone else relates so easily.

Come for those agonizing with slow death. Slow enough that life must go on, but sure enough that any day may be the last.

Come for the girl that can't trust her Daddy and come for the girl who lost hers long ago. Come for the woman who has been oppressed by hopelessness for so long that the doctors have all but given up up hope too.

Come for the broken who fill their bodies with destructive substances to make today bearable. Come for those who have screwed everything up beyond earthly help and hope.

Come for the widow who wonders how to fill the empty nights and cries over each milestone of a person who has been obliterated from this earth.

Come for the mothers with empty arms and the dads who write songs about empty backseats. Maranatha. We are hopeless and helpless without you.

Then he showed me a river of the water of life, clear as crystal, coming from the throne of God and of the Lamb,  in the middle of its street. On either side of the river was the tree of life, bearing twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit every month; and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations.  There will no longer be any curse; and the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and His bond-servants will serve Him; they will see His face, and His name will be on their foreheads. And there will no longer be any night; and they will not have need of the light of a lamp nor the light of the sun, because the Lord God will illumine them; and they will reign forever and ever.

...

He who testifies to these things says, “Yes, I am coming quickly.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.  

--  Revelation 22:1-5, 20

Nothing Left to Give

My children are 6, 2, and 1. These are the days of exhaustion. Literally. Here is the definition of exhaust from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online:

1a : to consume entirely : use up <exhausted our funds in a week> 

  b : to tire extremely or completely <exhausted by overwork>  

  c : to deprive of a valuable quality or constituent <exhaust a photographic developer> <exhaust a soil of fertility>

2a : to draw off or let out completely 

  b : to empty by drawing off the contents; specifically : to create a vacuum in

3a : to consider or discuss (a subject) thoroughly or completely 
  b : to try out the whole number of <exhausted all the possibilities>

There are many days when I feel completely consumed at the beginning of the day. I'm running on empty, it's 7:30 am. and I'm just hearing the first stirrings from the crib. What do I do? Why does God allow me to be so woefully inadequate? I pray that He would give me strength, so where is it?

I remember the days before I was a mom, back when I thought I was capable. I thought mothering was going to be fairly doable, and I was going to be so devoted that it was going to be great! I'd homeschool, bake cookies, plan family activities & devotions, sew them their own clothes, and have really obedient children who knew better than to misbehave for me.  

What I didn't know then is how all-consuming being a mother is. Your needs are pushed so far to the back burner that they aren't even on the stove anymore sometimes. And unfortunately that is just for the baseline of having healthy, happy, loved, trained, rested, clean(ish), dressed children who've had their hair combed sometime in recent memory. I look back now and know I had no idea how much work goes into achieving the basics. I just sort of assumed that a happy, rested, fed, clean, and cheerful child was going to be the starting point. Ha. Ha. 

For me at least, motherhood is sort of impossible. 

We were reading the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 to the kiddos from the Jesus Storybook Bible (which is totally awesome, by the way) last night and it struck me. Jesus asked the disciples to feed the 5,000. Really? I had to double check in my Bible and see if that was really how it went down, or if it was just artistic flourish on the author's part. 

When it was evening, the disciples came to Him and said, “This place is desolate and the hour is already late; so send the crowds away, that they may go into the villages and buy food for themselves.” But Jesus said to them, “They do not need to go away; you give them something to eat!” Matt 14:15-16

That's crazy. Why did Jesus ask them to do something they can't do?! 

Maybe because it is in that moment, they know themselves. They know their own weakness. They know their need. There is no more pretending "they've got this". And when 5,000 people are fed, the disciples don't think they did it, even though they passed out the bread.

In my Bible reading this morning, I read the story of Elijah and the widow. She is on the brink of starvation, and he asks her to feed him. Impossible. How could he even ask such a thing? Yet the "bowl of flour was not exhausted, nor did the jar of oil become empty, according to the word of the Lord..." 

God sometimes asks more of us than we can do. Sometimes he exhausts us, so that we know we can never exhaust him. 

I am strangely comforted by the definition of exhaust. When I am weak, then I am strong. Most gladly will I boast in my infirmities. His strength is made perfect in weakness. If God empties me, then He will fill me. If he draws me out entirely, then He knows me completely. There is nothing hid from him.

This does not make it easy. I'm still exhausted. I still cry for mercy. I still wait on the Lord. But I believe God will answer. I believe he will meet my need. I try to believe the Word he has given me.

God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved.

God will help her when the morning dawns. Psalm 46:5

For thus says the LORD GOD, the Holy One of Israel, has said,

"In repentance and rest you will be saved,

In quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15a 

I'm still processing this. Resting is hard when life feels like a crisis. But I'm so thankful that God is talking to me. I'm trying to remember God's character: his love for me, his faithfulness, and to trust that my heavenly Father knows how to give good gifts even if I don't much like them at first. 

Clouded Soul

These past few months I've experienced the worst depression of my life. I've cried to the Lord and been dismayed to find stony silence.

We were on vacation recently in Ketchum, Idaho, our hotel room nestled snugly between two mountains. I admired the glorious view of Bald Mountain from my bed, tracing the bleached ski runs amongst the green-black pine. The second morning the mountain vanished. A think gray wall of fog obliterated it, camouflaging 9,150 feet of sedimentary rock into a slate-colored air. It was gone. Completely invisible. We may as well have been in the Great Plains.

And then, my Friend spoke to me. I'm still here, He said. Just like the mountain. Remember me. Remember the times you have seen me and rested on me and known me. Even though the fog of depression makes it look like I'm gone, I'm here. I will never leave you or forsake you. Trust me. Even when it is scary. Even though I don't promise to follow your plan. Know that I love you, and that I'm taking care of you, even when I hurt you. I love you. Don't forget that.

And so, I will wait on the Lord. I will look forward to the day when the sun is out again, and I can see the mountain in its majesty. In the meantime I will rest and trust that God is there and then He is taking care of me.

The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?
Psalm 27:1

I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait,
And in His word do I hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
More than the watchmen for the morning;
Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning.
Psalm 130:5

Peace

Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold. Ps 46:10-11


This verse has been such a stronghold for me of late. The Lord is with me, I don't have to make everything work out. I can spend the last dollar I have, not make the right decision, or lose my temper. Those things don't thwart God. He takes care of His people, and I am His.

Sudden Terror

A few nights ago, I had a nightmare.

In the dream, I was at a friend's house with my children. Brian had to run an errand, so he left  in the van and had to wait for him to come back. Our friends had recently moved into this house which was comfortable and nice, except for the roof and attic portion. There were many unfinished openings that led to the attic. A horrible faceless monster lived there and It continually let down a noose to snare the foot of any inattentive person. I was astonished that my friends continued to live in this house. In fact, they carried on as if nothing unusual was happening. Worse yet, I found that as I stayed there and visited with them I became distracted and was not watching my son. Numerous times the Evil in the attic nearly snared his foot to draw him into the attic and consume him. Finally I fled the house with the children.

When I woke up, I couldn't shake this dream because I realized that this nightmare was a reality-- we do have an Enemy who roams about, seeking to devour us. I also realized that I am just like my friends in the dream: distracted and forgetful of the very real and present danger. Brian and I prayed for Iain that morning and I've been praying frequently since then for him, that enemy would not ensnare him.

A friend passed this word of comfort along to me:

"Do not be afraid of sudden terror

or of the ruin of the wicked, when it comes,

for the Lord will be your confidence

and will keep your foot from being caught." Proverbs 3:25-26

Thank you Lord, for that promise. Please make it so for my son. Thank you for reminding me of the vigilance of our fearful Enemy. Thank you that you are on our side. Please protect Iain. Give me wisdom and watchfulness to keep him from danger. Help me not forget that this world, normal as it seems, has a lurking Enemy. Thank you that You protect us from him and that he is powerless against You. In Jesus' name, amen.

Whose kingdom am I building?

"Come, let us build for ourselves a city, and a tower whose top will reach into heaven and let us make for ourselves a name..." Gen 11:4

Reading this, I have to ask myself a hard question: how much of my discontent in my life really boils down to this, to seeking my own glory? A lot, if I'm honest. Yes sometimes my circumstances are difficult. There isn't enough time or enough money to do what I want. But there is always enough to do what God wants, if I'm seeking his glory instead of my own.

Please change my heart Lord. Help me not want to establish my own kingdom and my own glory. Thank you for forgiving me and loving me. Amen.

Mila Evangeline

My beautiful girl is here! She is a bigger blessing than I could have imagined. I'm so enjoying nuzzling her soft sweetness. My heart is overflowing with love and joy, despite the fact that I have more responsibility now than I know how to handle.

Unless the LORD builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it;
Unless the LORD guards the city,
The watchman keeps awake in vain.
² It is vain for you to rise up early,
To retire late,
To eat the bread of painful labors;
For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.
 ³ Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
⁴ Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
⁵ How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.
-Psalm 127

 It is a blessing to know that just as she was a generous gift from God, He will also take care of us, even when I am too weak. So instead of thinking about all the things that I can't do, I'm just going to rest and know that God is my help.

Sleep in safety and peace, sweet girl. God has got you.

Humbled

We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us.  --Oswald Chambers

These words opened my eyes today. I realized that in so much of what I do, I'm striving to get good enough at it to not be dependent on God. I feel like I should be able to clean my house, raise my kids, cook good meals, minister to friends, disciple my children, and love my husband all on my own strength. I am disappointed in myself when I try my hardest, fail, and have to stand with tears streaming down my face imploring the Lord for help. I didn't realize that I was trying to escape dependency.

I look around at everyone else and I feel exceedingly deficient. They don't seem to need to pray find their odd shoe, or break down in the grocery store trying to decide which toliet paper to buy. Then there are the people who seem to go above and beyond-- they have beautifully decorated homes, children who are well-mannered and well-educated, they are debt-free and running successful businesses.

I have so many ideas. I want to write. I want to take pictures. I want to create a beautiful home. I want to teach my children. These things are good, and are part of my calling. But they aren't the point. God isn't waiting for me to get my act together. God wants me to wait on Him and cry to Him, even though it hurts my pride.

I've spent a lot of time lately telling myself "It's only a season, it's only a season." But dependency isn't a season. It is my life. And I think I'd better get used to that, instead of fighting to prove that I can do it all by myself, and of feeling that I should do it by myself.

What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. -- Oswald Chambers

Worship 24/7

"I think I find most help in trying to look on all the interruptions and hindrances to work one has planned out for oneself as discipline, trials sent by God to help one against getting selfish over one's work. Then one can feel that perhaps one's true work--one's work for God--consists in doing some trifling haphazard thing that has been thrown into one's day. It is not a waste of time, as one is tempted to think, it is the most important part of the work of the day--the part one can best offer to God. After such a hindrance, do not rush after the planned work; trust that the time to finish it will be given sometime, and keep a quiet heart about it."


-- Annie Keary, quoted in Elisabeth Elliot's Keep a Quiet Heart

Quiet Days

I have the blessing of having my husband home during the summer. He is a teacher so although my kids are still too little for school our life runs by the school calendar. Summer is a bit of chaos. We cram in travel, visits, projects, and enjoy a bit of spontaneity, albeit with a well-stocked diaper bag in tow! Throwing the routine out the window can be a little slice of heaven, but it is only enjoyable for a season.

So while I'm a bit wistful for summer's joys, I'm welcoming a return to quiet days.

I've been enjoying my new breadmaker quite a bit. I got it at a yard sale (another summer delight!) and it has proved invaluable. The house really does smell amazing when it is baking and everyone loves the bread. Somehow I was under the impression that a breadmaker was a complicated device. It isn't.

Last week I managed to get all of Brian's shirts ironed for school, as well blueberry pancakes and muffins frozen for breakfasts.

Of course today is Monday and it looks like a cyclone has hit the house. I'm beginning to learn that this isn't a failure on my part, but just the nature of life. Things move from order to disorder. And there is something fulfilling about being the person in life who brings order from chaos, and leaves the places you have been more pleasant and homey than before you were there.

So now it is time to be off. Time to tend my crying baby, tuck my oldest in for naptime, and tackle the mess. Today my heart does it with it joy. Some days, I plod along, crying to the Father to help me keep plodding. Each kind of day is a sacrifice of praise.


The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. Galatians 8:6-10

One day at a time

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I have a problem with worry. It stems from perfectionism and my personal preference to have things planned out. It is good to have a plan, but I need to remember that MY plan is not the one that keeps the universe running.

I also have a problem with depression. I think I am beginning to see a partial link between these two problems. When I am busy teleporting myself to the what-ifs of tomorrow, next month, and 2012, I see enormous obstacles and future failures, and I lose heart. I lose hope.

I have often associated this verse strictly with money, but it has broader implications too. I need to hold my plans and dreams lightly, whether for the day or for next year.

"Give us today our daily bread."

I have my daily bread. I have what I need for today: financially, emotionally, spiritually. I may not yet have the grace that I will need for the future-- but neither do I need it yet.

I find the short view to be helpful in fostering my faith and contentment. My God has never failed me, though I have often been impatient and frustrated with Him. Looking just at today I see a new day, with new mercies and familiar responsibilities, that He has equipped me for and will walk me through. Today is enough. If it is a troubled day, then it is difficult enough to get through this one day alone. If it is an ordinary day, the shorter view shows me how much I have to be thankful for.

Looking just at today, it makes it easier for me to sit in quietly in peace, resting in the Lord's care and provision for that moment.

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

http://lens.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/08/17/showcase-35/?scp=1&sq=ozymandias&st=cse

The link above is to a New York Times photography blog entry that depicts the state of many of Sadaam Hussein's former palaces. They are opulent rubble heaps. The blogger aptly references Shelley's poem, Ozymandias:

OZYMANDIAS
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,
The hand that mock'd them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

I was struck with a similiar feeling when we visited Westminster Abbey for the first time, and walked over graves whose markings were obliterated. Being buried in the abbey is one of the nation's highest honors, and yet there are bones there that no one can identify.

How fleeting is the success and praise we so desperately strive for here. Isaiah 40 and Psalm 2 are mighty passages that showcase the strength of the eternal God. Here are some selections from Isaiah 40:

⁶ A voice says, "Cry out."
And I said, "What shall I cry?"
"All men are like grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.

⁷ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.

⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever."

²² He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
and spreads them out like a tent to live in.

²³ He brings princes to naught
and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.

²⁴ No sooner are they planted,
no sooner are they sown,
no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.

²⁵ "To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.

²⁸ Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

I'm going to meditate on that promise today. Lord knows I have no earthly might or prestige to invigorate me. Maybe that will help me to see His power and strength.

Thank you Lord for being mighty over all the rulers of earth, whether they bow the knee to you or not.

How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news.

Brian preached on Joseph and Judah in church this morning-- what a beautiful message of love and redemption for the losers who just can't get it together, no matter how hard they try. (You can listen to it here if you like.) How often I put myself in that category-- and wear it as a badge of shame. But that's not right-- it is my only glory. As Paul says in Phillipians 3:

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."

O Lord help me to stop trusting in myself-- Help me to accept myself as flawed and broken and to see any good thing that does happen as a testimony to Your grace and glory, and not the beginnings of some broken runged ladder that I can try to use to climb to You.

But I still struggle with how sanctification fits in-- how does one strive to be like Christ without relying on that performance to please God? Reading in 2 Corinthians 12, I wonder if thorn in my flesh can be my yet uneradicated sinfulness? Maybe God doesn't take it away to remind me of how much I need him? Can that apply to this verse? I've certainly never thought about it that way before. Here is the passage I'm thinking of:

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

So here's to walking or limping rather, in weakness, and praying that the Lord would accomplish all His purposes to His glory.

I'm throwing the good girl off the bus.

God is teaching me a new thing-- and it is actually just the gospel. It stings a bit to see that I too am still needing spiritual milk, but that is of little consequence.

Doni's recent blog post on self-sacrifice really gave me a lot to chew on. She basically posits that God isn't always calling us to sacrifice because Jesus has already sacrificed for us, and that any sacrifice we do make ultimately should not be about us, but about him. She points out that often when we make a sacrifice we are doing it to earn God's favor and to prove to ourselves that we are better than others. I know that is true of me.

Anybody have any thoughts about this? How do we balance God's gracious fatherly love towards us with running a good race, or worshipping God by making our lives into living sacrifices? How can faithfully worship and serve God (out of adoration and not just sucking up!) ? How can we live for eternity and for others in an honest and non-works based way?

I'm longing for freedom in Christ. Freedom from guilt. Freedom to serve in a meaningful way that is not all about me. Freedom to worship in a way that isn't all about me. Freedom from self. Freedom from works and self-righteousness. Lord please remove the wicked selfish desires of my heart. Take away the longing to worshiped, adored, and approved of. Take away the desire to be good in order to be loved. Take away the fear of man. Please replace these desires with the desire to worship and adore you. Replace it with the desire to approve of what you approve of. Grant me the desire to love you so much that I want to be like you. Give me a fear of you. Set me free Lord Jesus. Help me believe in the sufficency of your death. Help me believe that I am dead to sin and alive in Christ, no longer bound by the law. Make me a perfect piece of your creation, fulfilling my purpose and bringing glory to you by joyfully doing what you created me to do in full contentment and peace in you. Help me to fear nothing and to jump unabashedly through the air into your arms, knowing that they will catch me. I believe I am yours. I believe that you love me. Help me walk daily in the confidence that I am your precious daughter, bough with the highest possible price, and that no one could ever approve of me or love me more than that. Amen.

Beautiful Vulnerability

Lately I have felt the Lord calling me to be his feet and hands. To love the unlovely-- and not just in Africa, but the unlovely in my life. You know, those people who have problems, the ones you can't stand, the ones with the messy lives that seem way too complicated to sort out. And I'm being convicted about how very little I actually do that as I write this. Faces are coming before my eyes, and all I can say is: Lord, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Help me do better.

This necklace was a gift from Brian for my birthday. It is what I want and need to have as a Christian, and as a mom who struggles with infertility-- an open heart. My heart is being called and awakened towards little ones in foster care who are broken and abused and seem too messed up to help. With each story I hear, the passion to serve them grows in my heart. But fear has come too. How can I help them? They're too far gone, they've seen too much, their future is too uncertain. What about my own son? And the Lord has answered me:

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

I cannot be the Rock that those kids-- or anyone else, for that matter-- need. God is their Rock and their comfort. He is the only stability for anyone. Those of us who come from loving homes or good financial backgrounds can be deceived into thinking that is where our stability comes from. But God is big enough for any fears or problems and if I can point the way to run to that Rock that is higher than all of us, then I have helped someone find rest. Anything else is all too temporary.

Along with this, he has helped to realize that loving people is painful. There is no way around that, except not to love. There are no risk-free relationships. There aren't any guarantees with biological children, let alone children who are strangers who have been hurt and abandoned by those who ought to love and care for them more than anyone else. So loving foster kids won't be easy. And there are times when it won't feel nice or be pretty. But being vulnerable and open to being hurt to minister love and comfort in the name of Christ is a beautiful thing.

This was from the bulletin at church several months ago and I taped it above my desk:

"By Your command, O God, I want to meet each person today, not just as an interruption to my plans or an obstruction to my will, but as a never-to-be-repeated life, made in Your image, in whom I can meet the very person of Jesus Christ."

Lord, please help me to see the opportunities you give me every moment of every day to love the people you have put in my life. Help me not to be too lazy or selfish to do that. And Lord if you call us into foster care ministry, please give us the wisdom, strength, and deep reserves of love that we will need to do the job.

I hope that we are able to foster at some point in the near future, but even if that door closes, I know that this compassion the Lord is laying on me is for a purpose. I will wait on him as patiently as I can and strive to serve him where I am until he shows me what that is. I am comforted by the beauty that vulnerability to the Lord has brought in my life. I didn't choose the path of infertility, but I have learned so much by walking it. So now I can say: Lord, I am open to your plan, whatever it is. You know what is best. I trust you to take my weakness and make it strength. That is what my birthday necklace symbolizes to me. An open heart to people, and an open heart to the will of God. When I wear it I hope it will remind me of all of this, which I am all to prone to forget.

Heartbreak in the Theatre

While my sweet husband watched the Super Bowl, I took some time off and went to see a movie downtown. I decided to see Slumdog Millionaire, a story about an impoverished Indian boy named Jamal who makes it onto Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. He answers so many questions correctly that he draws suspicion and must defend his knowledge to police. That is all I knew about the film before I went to see it. I was completely unprepared for the emotional earthquake I was unleashing on myself. The film focuses on Jamal's childhood in the slums as an orphan. Nothing good happens. Watching a five-year-old orphan being tortured is not something that this mama's heart can take. This film has a happy ending, and is worth seeing, but it is not easy to watch.

The worst part is that while this film is fiction, the suffering of children world-wide is not. And they don't get a happy ending. God continues to fill my heart with compassion for orphans, but I feel so powerless. My empathy does nothing to help them and is a painful burden to me. Not that it is anything to compare with what these children actually live through. I'm asking the Lord to help me find a way to help them. Please pray with me that he will help me find an outlet for this burden he has given me.

I see that I am not the first to feel this way. Psalm 10:

Why, O LORD, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?

In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,
who are caught in the schemes he devises.

He boasts of the cravings of his heart;
he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD.

In his pride the wicked does not seek him;
in all his thoughts there is no room for God.

His ways are always prosperous;
he is haughty and your laws are far from him;
he sneers at all his enemies.

He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me;
I'll always be happy and never have trouble."

His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats;
trouble and evil are under his tongue.

He lies in wait near the villages;
from ambush he murders the innocent,
watching in secret for his victims.

He lies in wait like a lion in cover;
he lies in wait to catch the helpless;
he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net.

His victims are crushed, they collapse;
they fall under his strength.

He says to himself, "God has forgotten;
he covers his face and never sees."

Arise, LORD! Lift up your hand, O God.
Do not forget the helpless.

Why does the wicked man revile God?
Why does he say to himself,
"He won't call me to account"?

But you, O God, do see trouble and grief;
you consider it to take it in hand.
The victim commits himself to you;
you are the helper of the fatherless.

Break the arm of the wicked and evil man;
call him to account for his wickedness
that would not be found out.

The LORD is King for ever and ever;
the nations will perish from his land.

You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.

This is my comfort. I think I need to meditate on this:

But may the righteous be glad
and rejoice before God;
may they be happy and joyful.

Sing to God, sing praise to his name,
extol him who rides on the clouds
his name is the LORD—
and rejoice before him.

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.

God sets the lonely in families,
he leads forth the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land. Psalm 68:3-6

The struggle to trust

Last night I started reading The Strength of Mercy by Jan Beazely. I found it so compelling that I couldn't put it down until I'd finished the book. It is one family's testimony of adopting a child from Romania and even, to their surprise, starting an adoption agency.


But the happy ending in this book is not what not what encouraged me most. It was the story of one woman, one family, struggling and wrestling to pursue God's will and to trust him wholeheartedly, despite painful circumstances; intermingled with the powerful words of comfort that the Lord sent from Scripture, really stirred my spirit and encouraged my heart.

In particular one sentence from the introduction really caught my heart. "This book is a testimony to God's faithfulness and to the strength of His mercy even just for one child.... May His mercy move your heart and take you further than you ever thought possible."

Even just for one. It is so easy to feel overlooked and forgotten by God, but he cares for each person individually and will work his plan. As I, and every other person on planet earth can attest, his plans often cause us pain and difficulty, yes, even death. But he never ceases caring for his people. He never forgets us.

Here is a selection of other words that leapt out at me during my reading last night:

"The LORD Almighty has sworn,
'Surely, as I have planned, so it will be,
and as I have purposed, so it will stand.'"
Isaiah 14 :24

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him..."
Job 13:15a

"These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open."
Rev 3:7

The fact that God is our heavenly Father means so much more to me now that I have a son. I hate so much to discipline him, but I know it is my responsibility to train and nurture him, setting the safe boundaries by which he can grow into a healthy adult. I do cause him pain and suffering, but truly only with his good in mind. But he can't understand. Not yet. So he just has to trust me and obey, and one day it will be clear to him. I thank God for the overwhelming love he gives us for our children, because this is a taste of how much he loves us. He delights in me, more than I delight in Iain, the son of my longing, the son of my tears and struggles, the joy of my heart. I love to bless my son, and I rejoice over him with singing. God loves you that way too. He does. Don't forget it. Trust him.

"Just like Abraham, who tried to produce an heir before God's hand moved in supernatural blessing on Sarah's womb, most of us have tried at one time or another to manipulate God's will to make it fit out time frame, our desires, and our purposes. This manipulation can be so subtle that we may not realize what we've done until it is too late. Then we find our flesh has given birth to an Ishmael. " p. 57

That passage fits me like an pair of jeans. I am daily driven by my impatience to try to push things along a little quicker, to get on with it, get over it. But we learn so much in waiting on God. In our time in England we marveled at the general good behavior of dogs. They are welcome on buses and trains, and allowed to run off-leash in parks. They aren't allowed in shops though. I can't tell you how many times I saw dogs sitting patiently waiting outside stores, completely free and untied, just looking into the shop for their master. I never saw any amount of temptation move them, not the length of time, the multitude of other people walking past, enticing aromas, or other dogs. I remain amazed at their patient obedience. It seems a strange model to take for oneself, but how I need to be more like those dogs!

Today is Sunday, of course, and Brian and I were both powerfully moved by the service today. The entire order of worship resonanted deep in our hearts, nearly every piece already embued with meaning from past lessons. What a blessing it is when God speaks so powerfully and clearly and you feel the Spirit burning inside.

The Text for Reflection and Preparation:
"And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you." Genesis 45:5

or as Joseph later says to his brothers :

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive". Gen 50:20

The Opening Prayer:
Open our eyes, O God, to Your presence and action in our day, that we may see how you are active in preserving life and providing salvation in the midst of the worls'd violence and rebellion, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Call to Worship:

Elder: Praise the Lord!
People: Not to us, O Lord, not to us,
but to Your name give glory
because of your lovingkindness,
because of Your truth.

Or as, Brian and I have sung in the past:

Non nobis, Domine, Domine, non nobis, Domine
Sed nomini tuo da gloriam.

This song features prominently in the film version of Henry V, which is deeply significant to us. If you are interested to know why, you can read Brian's article about Henry V here.

Then we sang Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing (who can stay dry-eyed for that one?) and In Christ Alone, a song that will always remind me of the struggles and joys we experienced in the UK.

And then after the confession of sin, Shelton Woods preached this sermon about Joseph. (Choose the January 4th sermon.)

All of this adds up to an overwhelming word of comfort from the Lord as we have recently been thinking, talking, and praying about buying a house here in Boise or pursuing an adoption, and have been praying for several other people in our lives that are hurting, especially in this same area of infertility. He see us. He knows us. He has a plan, and nothing is impossible with him. We may go through pain and suffering and defeat and failure in 2009. Everything that we trust in other than the Lord may come tumbling down, but I, with Paul say:

"I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord". Romans 8:38-39

2008: Year in Review

Here's a summary of the highlights and lowlights of 2008 for our family. I've included my personal prayer requests at the bottom. If you have any of your own, feel free to leave them in the comments (or e-mail them to me) and I will pray for you too.

January: Job hunting for Brian. We were scouring the internet and praying fervently that God would provide a job for Brian at the right time. This is the month that we found out that Foundations Academy wanted to fly him out for an interview.

February: My 27th birthday. We celebrated with a trip to Paris! Brian flew out to Idaho just before our trip and sent off his signed contract from the post office inside the Louvre. We had the wonderful news that my sister in law was expecting, and then came the blow that she had lost her triplets.

March & April: Exploring the UK with the growing awareness that we weren't there for much longer. We were surprised to find how very at home and comfortable we felt in a place that was once so foreign and scary. I wrote my first issue of Keepers of the Home.

May: Leaving Brighton for the last time. We shipped 6 boxes and had more than our full allowance of luggage, trying to carry back memories of an experience that had shaped and changed us, deeply not wanting those changes to disappear or memories to fade. We had a curry and some wine our last night at home with our two dear friends Anthony and Christina. Christina took us to Gatwick the next morning, faithfully helping us to carry everything through the airport. I remembered all of this incredibly vividly when we dropped her off at the airport here in Boise yesterday.

June: My mom had surgery, my brother graduated high school, Iain turned 2, and we celebrated 7 (!) years of marriage right back where it all began. It was surreal, eating our anniversary dinner at the Denny's where we had our first date. We had such a nice visit with our families after being away for so long.

July: Moving to Boise, Brian's 29th birthday. We took Brian's brother Austin with us as we traveled very slowly north, visiting as many people as possible on our farewell lap of the east. It was especially good to see my Uncle Greg, who I see very rarely, as he is practically my only contact with Dad's family anymore. He reminds me so much of my Dad that I tear up every time I see him. It felt like the filling of a void for him to meet Iain. Our stay with him was like a homecoming to me, a reconnection to part of my past that was once vital and now lost. (My dad passed away in a car accident when I was eight.) We stayed in Nashville after that, visiting Allan and Christine. Brian, Allan, and Austin headed out to Boise in the van while Iain and I stayed in Tennessee for a week. After arriving in Boise, our apartment wasn't ready, so we stayed with the Stutzmans and the Goodwins for two weeks. Finally on the day after Brian's birthday we moved in, but without any furnishings. The mover debacle was a definitely a low point in the year.

August: Our things finally arrived! The folks at Foundations had lent us the basics to survive. After many delays and loads more money, the moving truck finally came, leaving us with mountains of boxes. Brian began teaching at Foundations. I find a job babysitting.

September: We finally settled on a church home, All Saints Presbyterian.

October: Foundations has it's foundation dedication art project at the new building site. Iain becomes a big boy and says "Bye bye binky!"

November: Adam came for Thanksgiving.

December: Christina's visit, which I have yet to blog about, due to being busy visiting!

Prayer Requests for the New Year:
That God would allow our family to grow with the addition of more children. This is the greatest of my heart's desires, but I don't know if it is really what is best, or what the Lord has for us. But he is kind to listen to our petitions, and gracious even when he says "No."

That I would grow in my faith. I want to live like a believer, every day, in every circumstance and attitude. I find that with every unexpected expenditure, every thwarted desire, every circumstance that doesn't go I as had hoped or planned, like I react like a two-year-old child, with complaints, with frustrated tears, with a lack of belief that my Father knows best what I need.

That I would recognize and embrace my calling in life, nurturing and stewarding the talents and resources that God has given me, being full of contentment with this season of my life, and working diligently at the tasks he sets me to, glamorous or not.

Happy New Year to everyone. Praise God that we are one year closer to glory, and knowing that the fullness of time and salvation has not yet come, let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us!

Treasure in Heaven

I really appreciated and enjoyed our pastor's sermon today. It was on christian generosity in light of the humility of Christ. This was so timely for me. With all the decisions we are making regarding our finances right now, they have become something of an idol to me. It's amazing that that can be so, but even when your resources are thin, that fear of losing money can turn into an unhealthy obession.

My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness.

If you'd like to hear today's sermon, please click here and choose the December 7th sermon.