Humbled

We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us.  --Oswald Chambers

These words opened my eyes today. I realized that in so much of what I do, I'm striving to get good enough at it to not be dependent on God. I feel like I should be able to clean my house, raise my kids, cook good meals, minister to friends, disciple my children, and love my husband all on my own strength. I am disappointed in myself when I try my hardest, fail, and have to stand with tears streaming down my face imploring the Lord for help. I didn't realize that I was trying to escape dependency.

I look around at everyone else and I feel exceedingly deficient. They don't seem to need to pray find their odd shoe, or break down in the grocery store trying to decide which toliet paper to buy. Then there are the people who seem to go above and beyond-- they have beautifully decorated homes, children who are well-mannered and well-educated, they are debt-free and running successful businesses.

I have so many ideas. I want to write. I want to take pictures. I want to create a beautiful home. I want to teach my children. These things are good, and are part of my calling. But they aren't the point. God isn't waiting for me to get my act together. God wants me to wait on Him and cry to Him, even though it hurts my pride.

I've spent a lot of time lately telling myself "It's only a season, it's only a season." But dependency isn't a season. It is my life. And I think I'd better get used to that, instead of fighting to prove that I can do it all by myself, and of feeling that I should do it by myself.

What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. -- Oswald Chambers