Nothing Left to Give

My children are 6, 2, and 1. These are the days of exhaustion. Literally. Here is the definition of exhaust from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online:

1a : to consume entirely : use up <exhausted our funds in a week> 

  b : to tire extremely or completely <exhausted by overwork>  

  c : to deprive of a valuable quality or constituent <exhaust a photographic developer> <exhaust a soil of fertility>

2a : to draw off or let out completely 

  b : to empty by drawing off the contents; specifically : to create a vacuum in

3a : to consider or discuss (a subject) thoroughly or completely 
  b : to try out the whole number of <exhausted all the possibilities>

There are many days when I feel completely consumed at the beginning of the day. I'm running on empty, it's 7:30 am. and I'm just hearing the first stirrings from the crib. What do I do? Why does God allow me to be so woefully inadequate? I pray that He would give me strength, so where is it?

I remember the days before I was a mom, back when I thought I was capable. I thought mothering was going to be fairly doable, and I was going to be so devoted that it was going to be great! I'd homeschool, bake cookies, plan family activities & devotions, sew them their own clothes, and have really obedient children who knew better than to misbehave for me.  

What I didn't know then is how all-consuming being a mother is. Your needs are pushed so far to the back burner that they aren't even on the stove anymore sometimes. And unfortunately that is just for the baseline of having healthy, happy, loved, trained, rested, clean(ish), dressed children who've had their hair combed sometime in recent memory. I look back now and know I had no idea how much work goes into achieving the basics. I just sort of assumed that a happy, rested, fed, clean, and cheerful child was going to be the starting point. Ha. Ha. 

For me at least, motherhood is sort of impossible. 

We were reading the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 to the kiddos from the Jesus Storybook Bible (which is totally awesome, by the way) last night and it struck me. Jesus asked the disciples to feed the 5,000. Really? I had to double check in my Bible and see if that was really how it went down, or if it was just artistic flourish on the author's part. 

When it was evening, the disciples came to Him and said, “This place is desolate and the hour is already late; so send the crowds away, that they may go into the villages and buy food for themselves.” But Jesus said to them, “They do not need to go away; you give them something to eat!” Matt 14:15-16

That's crazy. Why did Jesus ask them to do something they can't do?! 

Maybe because it is in that moment, they know themselves. They know their own weakness. They know their need. There is no more pretending "they've got this". And when 5,000 people are fed, the disciples don't think they did it, even though they passed out the bread.

In my Bible reading this morning, I read the story of Elijah and the widow. She is on the brink of starvation, and he asks her to feed him. Impossible. How could he even ask such a thing? Yet the "bowl of flour was not exhausted, nor did the jar of oil become empty, according to the word of the Lord..." 

God sometimes asks more of us than we can do. Sometimes he exhausts us, so that we know we can never exhaust him. 

I am strangely comforted by the definition of exhaust. When I am weak, then I am strong. Most gladly will I boast in my infirmities. His strength is made perfect in weakness. If God empties me, then He will fill me. If he draws me out entirely, then He knows me completely. There is nothing hid from him.

This does not make it easy. I'm still exhausted. I still cry for mercy. I still wait on the Lord. But I believe God will answer. I believe he will meet my need. I try to believe the Word he has given me.

God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved.

God will help her when the morning dawns. Psalm 46:5

For thus says the LORD GOD, the Holy One of Israel, has said,

"In repentance and rest you will be saved,

In quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15a 

I'm still processing this. Resting is hard when life feels like a crisis. But I'm so thankful that God is talking to me. I'm trying to remember God's character: his love for me, his faithfulness, and to trust that my heavenly Father knows how to give good gifts even if I don't much like them at first. 

Whoa! What an egg!

I got this egg out of our chicken coop this afternoon. It is the biggest egg I have ever seen. This is the egg in my (Brian's) hand.

Here is the egg in Jordan's hand.

Here it is in Iain's hands.

This is the egg against a quarter.

Here it is with two of our regular eggs (brown) and two grade AA large eggs from the store (white).

This is the egg in the grade AA large eggs carton.

And one more with a quarter, one of our regular eggs, and one grade AA large egg from the store.

I feel bad for the chicken who laid that egg! I wonder which one it was: Rezzie, Remember, or Badu, our three Barred Rocks. We have three new chickens too: Sweetie, Squeaky, and Pip, all Rhode Island Reds. Iain says I should enter the egg in the Western Idaho Fair.

Clouded Soul

These past few months I've experienced the worst depression of my life. I've cried to the Lord and been dismayed to find stony silence.

We were on vacation recently in Ketchum, Idaho, our hotel room nestled snugly between two mountains. I admired the glorious view of Bald Mountain from my bed, tracing the bleached ski runs amongst the green-black pine. The second morning the mountain vanished. A think gray wall of fog obliterated it, camouflaging 9,150 feet of sedimentary rock into a slate-colored air. It was gone. Completely invisible. We may as well have been in the Great Plains.

And then, my Friend spoke to me. I'm still here, He said. Just like the mountain. Remember me. Remember the times you have seen me and rested on me and known me. Even though the fog of depression makes it look like I'm gone, I'm here. I will never leave you or forsake you. Trust me. Even when it is scary. Even though I don't promise to follow your plan. Know that I love you, and that I'm taking care of you, even when I hurt you. I love you. Don't forget that.

And so, I will wait on the Lord. I will look forward to the day when the sun is out again, and I can see the mountain in its majesty. In the meantime I will rest and trust that God is there and then He is taking care of me.

The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?
Psalm 27:1

I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait,
And in His word do I hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
More than the watchmen for the morning;
Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning.
Psalm 130:5

Peace

Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold. Ps 46:10-11


This verse has been such a stronghold for me of late. The Lord is with me, I don't have to make everything work out. I can spend the last dollar I have, not make the right decision, or lose my temper. Those things don't thwart God. He takes care of His people, and I am His.

Sudden Terror

A few nights ago, I had a nightmare.

In the dream, I was at a friend's house with my children. Brian had to run an errand, so he left  in the van and had to wait for him to come back. Our friends had recently moved into this house which was comfortable and nice, except for the roof and attic portion. There were many unfinished openings that led to the attic. A horrible faceless monster lived there and It continually let down a noose to snare the foot of any inattentive person. I was astonished that my friends continued to live in this house. In fact, they carried on as if nothing unusual was happening. Worse yet, I found that as I stayed there and visited with them I became distracted and was not watching my son. Numerous times the Evil in the attic nearly snared his foot to draw him into the attic and consume him. Finally I fled the house with the children.

When I woke up, I couldn't shake this dream because I realized that this nightmare was a reality-- we do have an Enemy who roams about, seeking to devour us. I also realized that I am just like my friends in the dream: distracted and forgetful of the very real and present danger. Brian and I prayed for Iain that morning and I've been praying frequently since then for him, that enemy would not ensnare him.

A friend passed this word of comfort along to me:

"Do not be afraid of sudden terror

or of the ruin of the wicked, when it comes,

for the Lord will be your confidence

and will keep your foot from being caught." Proverbs 3:25-26

Thank you Lord, for that promise. Please make it so for my son. Thank you for reminding me of the vigilance of our fearful Enemy. Thank you that you are on our side. Please protect Iain. Give me wisdom and watchfulness to keep him from danger. Help me not forget that this world, normal as it seems, has a lurking Enemy. Thank you that You protect us from him and that he is powerless against You. In Jesus' name, amen.

Whose kingdom am I building?

"Come, let us build for ourselves a city, and a tower whose top will reach into heaven and let us make for ourselves a name..." Gen 11:4

Reading this, I have to ask myself a hard question: how much of my discontent in my life really boils down to this, to seeking my own glory? A lot, if I'm honest. Yes sometimes my circumstances are difficult. There isn't enough time or enough money to do what I want. But there is always enough to do what God wants, if I'm seeking his glory instead of my own.

Please change my heart Lord. Help me not want to establish my own kingdom and my own glory. Thank you for forgiving me and loving me. Amen.

Mila Evangeline

My beautiful girl is here! She is a bigger blessing than I could have imagined. I'm so enjoying nuzzling her soft sweetness. My heart is overflowing with love and joy, despite the fact that I have more responsibility now than I know how to handle.

Unless the LORD builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it;
Unless the LORD guards the city,
The watchman keeps awake in vain.
² It is vain for you to rise up early,
To retire late,
To eat the bread of painful labors;
For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.
 ³ Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
⁴ Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
⁵ How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.
-Psalm 127

 It is a blessing to know that just as she was a generous gift from God, He will also take care of us, even when I am too weak. So instead of thinking about all the things that I can't do, I'm just going to rest and know that God is my help.

Sleep in safety and peace, sweet girl. God has got you.