One day at a time

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I have a problem with worry. It stems from perfectionism and my personal preference to have things planned out. It is good to have a plan, but I need to remember that MY plan is not the one that keeps the universe running.

I also have a problem with depression. I think I am beginning to see a partial link between these two problems. When I am busy teleporting myself to the what-ifs of tomorrow, next month, and 2012, I see enormous obstacles and future failures, and I lose heart. I lose hope.

I have often associated this verse strictly with money, but it has broader implications too. I need to hold my plans and dreams lightly, whether for the day or for next year.

"Give us today our daily bread."

I have my daily bread. I have what I need for today: financially, emotionally, spiritually. I may not yet have the grace that I will need for the future-- but neither do I need it yet.

I find the short view to be helpful in fostering my faith and contentment. My God has never failed me, though I have often been impatient and frustrated with Him. Looking just at today I see a new day, with new mercies and familiar responsibilities, that He has equipped me for and will walk me through. Today is enough. If it is a troubled day, then it is difficult enough to get through this one day alone. If it is an ordinary day, the shorter view shows me how much I have to be thankful for.

Looking just at today, it makes it easier for me to sit in quietly in peace, resting in the Lord's care and provision for that moment.

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

http://lens.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/08/17/showcase-35/?scp=1&sq=ozymandias&st=cse

The link above is to a New York Times photography blog entry that depicts the state of many of Sadaam Hussein's former palaces. They are opulent rubble heaps. The blogger aptly references Shelley's poem, Ozymandias:

OZYMANDIAS
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,
The hand that mock'd them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

I was struck with a similiar feeling when we visited Westminster Abbey for the first time, and walked over graves whose markings were obliterated. Being buried in the abbey is one of the nation's highest honors, and yet there are bones there that no one can identify.

How fleeting is the success and praise we so desperately strive for here. Isaiah 40 and Psalm 2 are mighty passages that showcase the strength of the eternal God. Here are some selections from Isaiah 40:

⁶ A voice says, "Cry out."
And I said, "What shall I cry?"
"All men are like grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.

⁷ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.

⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever."

²² He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
and spreads them out like a tent to live in.

²³ He brings princes to naught
and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.

²⁴ No sooner are they planted,
no sooner are they sown,
no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.

²⁵ "To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.

²⁸ Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

I'm going to meditate on that promise today. Lord knows I have no earthly might or prestige to invigorate me. Maybe that will help me to see His power and strength.

Thank you Lord for being mighty over all the rulers of earth, whether they bow the knee to you or not.

Baby Update

As I sit here in bed with what I deeply hope will be a quickly passing stomach bug, I find myself with time for a few blog posts.

I am 16 weeks pregnant today. Time has been passing much more quickly the second time around. I know from friends that this is common as your first child tends to take a lot of time and focus away from being pregnant. But I am still experiencing a lack of comprehension that this is happening. I am beginning to wonder if I will ever feel pregnant with this baby, or if I'll still be somewhat surprised when the doctor produces a newborn from my nether regions!

Generally everything has been happening earlier: my stomach is expanding more quickly, my joints are loosening, and I really think I have felt baby move quite a bit! This is shocking, since I didn't feel Iain until sometime after 20 weeks, but there it is.

We are working on names, but have yet to find anything that we love. The naming process is complicated by the fact that Brian and I really love to choose names that have a significant meaning. All too often the best meaning names have some truly terrible monikers attached.

And yes, we will be finding out whether baby is a boy or a girl, and we will let you know! That should happen sometime next month.

Lastly, I feel completely overwhelmed by the medical costs of having this precious gift from God. They are completely beyond our ability to pay. Please pray that God will grant me peace and faith in knowing that He will provide for us and for baby.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you so much for this new gift of life. Thank you for entrusting him or her to our care. Please give us wisdom and grace as we raise the children you have richly blessed us with. Strengthen our faith, help us to hope in You alone. Pour your redeeming love over my children. Please save and protect them both. Give them tender hearts that desire You above all.
In Your precious son's name, amen.

Psalm 113

¹ Praise the LORD.
Praise, O servants of the LORD,
praise the name of the LORD.

² Let the name of the LORD be praised,
both now and forevermore.

³ From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the LORD is to be praised.

⁴ The LORD is exalted over all the nations,
his glory above the heavens.

⁵ Who is like the LORD our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,

⁶ who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?

⁷ He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;

⁸ he seats them with princes,
with the princes of their people.

⁹ He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.

How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news.

Brian preached on Joseph and Judah in church this morning-- what a beautiful message of love and redemption for the losers who just can't get it together, no matter how hard they try. (You can listen to it here if you like.) How often I put myself in that category-- and wear it as a badge of shame. But that's not right-- it is my only glory. As Paul says in Phillipians 3:

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."

O Lord help me to stop trusting in myself-- Help me to accept myself as flawed and broken and to see any good thing that does happen as a testimony to Your grace and glory, and not the beginnings of some broken runged ladder that I can try to use to climb to You.

But I still struggle with how sanctification fits in-- how does one strive to be like Christ without relying on that performance to please God? Reading in 2 Corinthians 12, I wonder if thorn in my flesh can be my yet uneradicated sinfulness? Maybe God doesn't take it away to remind me of how much I need him? Can that apply to this verse? I've certainly never thought about it that way before. Here is the passage I'm thinking of:

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

So here's to walking or limping rather, in weakness, and praying that the Lord would accomplish all His purposes to His glory.

Baby Bean

This photo is quite old by now. It is our 7 week ultrasound. You can't see much in it at all, but we were so happy to see even this little bit as our little one seems to be developing well so far, praise God. Yesterday we went to the doctor for my 11 week appointment and got to hear baby's heartbeat for the first time. Thank you Lord!

This whole pregnancy stills seems very unreal. Last time we had to work and pray and strive so hard just to get pregnant-- it seems impossible that it could just happen. I almost feel because I did nothing to make it happen. I guess that just shows what a hard time I still have accepting God's love and graciousness.

I've had lots of pregnancy symptoms so far: nausea, dizziness, shakiness, acute sense of smell, fatigue, mood swings, strange food cravings. Now they seem to be settling down a bit in preparation for the second trimester. I'm thrilled to be getting off early. I'm beginning to pick up parts of my usual work again-- even cooking lunch today and a cake last night. Nothing like being under the weather to make you appreciate feeling good and going about your routine again.

And we're baaaaaaaaack.

It has been a very long time since I've written on my blog. On one hand, I really don't like that because it means there is a gap in our little collection of family memories, but on the other hand, I don't mind so much, because sometimes you don't have much to say, or life intervenes with more pressing cares than journaling.

But a lot has happened since I last wrote here-- we're slowly settling into our new house, we've planted a vegetable garden and have 3 chickens, my mom and sister came for a visit, we traded our enormous 4 poster bed for an old Jeep, we went to San Francisco.

And we got the biggest and best surprise of our lives. God has opened my womb and we are expecting a new baby in early February. This news is so amazing that we still ask ourselves if it can possibly be true.

I really feel that this baby is a miracle, given all the damage inside my body. This child is such a special gift from the Lord. I wonder what purpose he has for this new person? I'm so excited for Iain to have a little brother or sister. He doesn't know yet, but has lately been praying for "a new buddy for our family." He came up with this idea all on his own, and the timing is good!

So we are rejoicing here. I've been so thankful for summer break as Brian has been home to take care of Iain and household chores while I've been sick. Morning sickness started at about 4 weeks with this baby and I've been pretty tired too. I'm looking forward to being finished with the first trimester and going about my regular routine again.

I'm throwing the good girl off the bus.

God is teaching me a new thing-- and it is actually just the gospel. It stings a bit to see that I too am still needing spiritual milk, but that is of little consequence.

Doni's recent blog post on self-sacrifice really gave me a lot to chew on. She basically posits that God isn't always calling us to sacrifice because Jesus has already sacrificed for us, and that any sacrifice we do make ultimately should not be about us, but about him. She points out that often when we make a sacrifice we are doing it to earn God's favor and to prove to ourselves that we are better than others. I know that is true of me.

Anybody have any thoughts about this? How do we balance God's gracious fatherly love towards us with running a good race, or worshipping God by making our lives into living sacrifices? How can faithfully worship and serve God (out of adoration and not just sucking up!) ? How can we live for eternity and for others in an honest and non-works based way?

I'm longing for freedom in Christ. Freedom from guilt. Freedom to serve in a meaningful way that is not all about me. Freedom to worship in a way that isn't all about me. Freedom from self. Freedom from works and self-righteousness. Lord please remove the wicked selfish desires of my heart. Take away the longing to worshiped, adored, and approved of. Take away the desire to be good in order to be loved. Take away the fear of man. Please replace these desires with the desire to worship and adore you. Replace it with the desire to approve of what you approve of. Grant me the desire to love you so much that I want to be like you. Give me a fear of you. Set me free Lord Jesus. Help me believe in the sufficency of your death. Help me believe that I am dead to sin and alive in Christ, no longer bound by the law. Make me a perfect piece of your creation, fulfilling my purpose and bringing glory to you by joyfully doing what you created me to do in full contentment and peace in you. Help me to fear nothing and to jump unabashedly through the air into your arms, knowing that they will catch me. I believe I am yours. I believe that you love me. Help me walk daily in the confidence that I am your precious daughter, bough with the highest possible price, and that no one could ever approve of me or love me more than that. Amen.