Depressed

We had another bleeding scare Tuesday night. It started about 9pm and didn't stop until 11am the next morning. These things really take a toll on me. I know that Iain is not mine and the he belongs to God, but it is really difficult to keep the proper perspective when this happens.

I'm really frustrated with my doctor too. Maybe I'm just spoiled by the reproductive endocrinologist, but it seems like this doctor is too hands off. When I have concerns, I feel like she brushes me off without really investigating. When I called her about the bleeding, she said it was fine and told me to go to work on Wednesday (which I did not!), cleared me to travel to Boston as long as it stopped bleeding, and told me she didn't need to see me in the office. I don't see how she can tell all that over the phone, especially when she didn't even ask me any questions! She did the same thing with the heart palpitations I was having. The doctor on call told me that it was a common pregnancy side effect, but that I should get it checked out ASAP just to be sure. When I told my doctor about it, she said I was fine. She didn't even listen to my heart. Also, I haven't had a physical exam since my first visit. Is that standard? I'm not sure, since this is my first time. My visits take 10 minutes. She listens to the baby's heartbeat and asks if I have any questions and that's it. Is that normal?

Praise be to God! I just got a call from the nurse at the doctor's office, and she said I could go see the head doctor there today at 1:45. That is such an answer to prayer! I will feel much more confident if I have someone actually exam me.

I just have felt so despondent since this all happened. Of course, laying around in bed all day in the midst of a messy house doesn't really help. I'm praying that God will help me meditate on the beauty of His character today.

Got the sniffles...

Ok, make that the worst cold I've ever had in my life. Yuck! Brian and I have been so miserable and I'm so glad that Iain is still in my tummy. I'm sure he doesn't feel good either (but I'm still feeling plenty of little kicks!) but at least I don't have to watch the poor thing gasping for air and being torn apart by coughing fits. Both Brian and I are finally on antibiotics (I swear you have to be on death's door before the doctor will do anything-- and then they want to know why you are so sick). We are both very slowly recovering. I still have no voice, but at least I feel well enough to sit up for a little while. I've been taking Tylenol to keep my fever down (anything over 101 is dangerous when you're pregnant), but I think it finally really broke early this morning. I'm so thankful! I've spent some good time in prayer during this sickness, and I just can't believe how much God has blessed me. He is so good and kind to me. I started working on Iain's baby book this morning, and that has been a lot of fun and source of praise and admiration to God. I'm not putting the infertility saga in there, but I am including the embryo adoption and all the prayer that went into that. I've printed off a lot of e-mails from friends on pretty paper and I'm putting those in there, so Iain can see why we call him "the most prayed-for baby ever". Anyway, I'm sorry this is such a boring, rambly post, but I'm blame it on the fog that is still lingering in my brain. All I can say is, God is good!

Bumps and Wiggles

I felt the baby move for the first time last night! I am SO excited! I have been impatiently waiting to feel him move. I was laying on my stomach (a very rare occurence these days, but for some reason I was comfortable that way) in bed reading for Dr. Beisner's class. I was completely immersed in objections to the first draft of the constitution when... POP! I felt a little bump in my lower abdomen. I froze. Was that the baby? Pop. Pop. Swish. I called out to Brian "I think I'm feeling the baby move!" He was excited too. I laid there for awhile and Iain was quite active. I kept feeling all kinds of bumps and wiggles.

I've heard other ladies describe it as fluttering or bubbles. Mine didn't feel like that, unless those were some chunky butterflies! I think that it might feel lighter earlier and I just missed it. My abdomen is numb to light touch at certain places on the outside because of scarring from my surgeries, so my theory is that I have numb spots on the inside too. Anyway, this felt more like popcorn popping or someone pulling back a rubber band and letting it go (only without the sting). Then there was also a wiggly feeling. It kinda felt like a little school of fish.

I am thrilled!! Praise God from whom all blessings flow! Our little boy is growing and seems to be doing real well. I never thought I would have this joy, and God has been so gracious to me.

Babymoon!

A very special thank you to our devoted cadre of friends who helped us collect enough Wendy's cups to get a free plan ticket! (Wendy's & Air-Tran had a promotion that if you collected 63 soft drink cups you could redeem them for a round-trip ticket to anywhere in the US. We managed it by going to Wendy's often with large groups of people, asking for refills, asking friends to save cups for us, and yes, even trash-picking. Now my dirty secret is on the internet for all to see.)

We're going to Boston!! Woohoo! I've never been to Boston before, but have always wanted to go. After reading 1,993 pages of primary colonial documents for this January class, it seems like an appropriate place to go! We're going at the end of the month for four days and it is going to be a blast, albeit a cold blast. :) We decided that this was a good time to go because airfare for the remaining ticket is cheap, and I'm still mostly mobile.

In pregnancy news, I'm officially 5 months pregnant tomorrow. It is amazing how quickly time has gone by. I guess I can thank work and school for that. Pretty soon I'm going to get Brian to take a picture of me and I'll post here for posterity's sake. The belly is really coming along, although thankfully, I've only gained 9lbs so far, which seems to be very normal for 5 months.

The digital camera is coming with us to Boston too, so hopefully we'll get some good shots there and I can post a few of those too.

Sigh.

Sometimes I feel like I do the cause of Christ more harm than good despite my best efforts. I feel so weak against the challenges of secular humanism, feminism, agnosticism, and relativism. I feel like whatever bit I try to defend a Christian perspective just makes Christ look foolish. So then I just shut-up and I'm not happy with that either. Why would God allow men to mock Him so? And why does he put all the losers on His team?

I really do know the answer to that. It brings Him more glory and honor to win with the pathetic side. And I know that he uses the weak things of the world to confound the wise. I guess I just would like to see a little more confounding sometimes. How amazing are the humility and patience of God. If I had infinite power, I would crush the person (i.e. all mankind) who ever dared to doubt me for a second. Yet He graciously allows men to question and mock him freely until the appointed day of their death. He blesses them with life and health and food to eat. The rain falls on the just and the unjust. And we are so wicked and ungrateful. We take His patience for impotence.

Dear Jesus,
Thank you for your graciousness and patience with all men and particularly with myself. Help me to be patient and gracious too, and please give me wisdom in what I say and do. I am so very weak and can do nothing apart from You. Please strengthen me to do whatever work you have for me with a cheerful heart whether it seem mundane or earth-shattering. Help me to trust that You have all things in Your hands and to remember that the mocking of the wicked has no power over You and no effect on who You are. I pray that you would send a spirit of repentance to this country and that there would be a mighty harvest of souls, that Your name might be praised. Give me an evangelistic heart and make me aware of opportunities to speak the truth in love. Thank you so much for Your great love and forgiveness. It is truly unfathomable.
In Your name alone I pray, amen.

Why is your stomach all black and blue?

Several folks have asked recently for a few more details about my pregnancy complication. It is called Antiphospholipid Disorder and it can cause blood clots to form in the placenta, cutting off nutrients and oxygen from the baby. Thankfully, with daily injections of a blood thinner called Heparin the odds of that happening are reduced. Some women have this condition and can carry babies to full-term without a problem and in others it causes recurrant miscarriages. I don't which group I would be in, and I'm thankful that I don't to gamble with Iain's life to find out. So this is why I have to go to the high risk doctor for more frequent ultrasounds and check-ups. This condition can cause low birth weights and other problems, so they are keeping an eye on that. Thankfully, at the appointment yesterday Iain was measuring at 18 1/2 weeks, and I know for sure I was 18 weeks since we know exactly when he was transferred. So he has all his fingers and toes and is growing well, thank God! Thank you all so much for your prayers for this little one.

If you are looking for more info about ASD, you are welcome to click on these links:

http://www.storknet.com/complications/salafia/antiphospholipids.htm
http://www.dhmc.org/webpage.cfm?site_id=2&org_id=92&morg_id=0&sec_id=0&gsec_id=2016&item_id=2021
http://www.cafamily.org.uk/Direct/h50.html
http://www.webmd.com/content/article/4/1680_51828.htm

We had our sonogram today and...

IT'S A BOY!

So much for intuition, Madame Z, or morning sickness.

We're so excited!!! Cars, trucks, knights, pirates, and cowboys here we come!!

Iain Zechariah Douglas is due on June 6th, 2006. We can't wait to meet him! (Well, really we can. We don't want him coming any earlier than he is supposed to.)

Praise God from whom all blessings flow! He truly has remembered us. We're praying that he will remember Iain too. all the days of his life.