Beautiful Vulnerability

Lately I have felt the Lord calling me to be his feet and hands. To love the unlovely-- and not just in Africa, but the unlovely in my life. You know, those people who have problems, the ones you can't stand, the ones with the messy lives that seem way too complicated to sort out. And I'm being convicted about how very little I actually do that as I write this. Faces are coming before my eyes, and all I can say is: Lord, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Help me do better.

This necklace was a gift from Brian for my birthday. It is what I want and need to have as a Christian, and as a mom who struggles with infertility-- an open heart. My heart is being called and awakened towards little ones in foster care who are broken and abused and seem too messed up to help. With each story I hear, the passion to serve them grows in my heart. But fear has come too. How can I help them? They're too far gone, they've seen too much, their future is too uncertain. What about my own son? And the Lord has answered me:

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

I cannot be the Rock that those kids-- or anyone else, for that matter-- need. God is their Rock and their comfort. He is the only stability for anyone. Those of us who come from loving homes or good financial backgrounds can be deceived into thinking that is where our stability comes from. But God is big enough for any fears or problems and if I can point the way to run to that Rock that is higher than all of us, then I have helped someone find rest. Anything else is all too temporary.

Along with this, he has helped to realize that loving people is painful. There is no way around that, except not to love. There are no risk-free relationships. There aren't any guarantees with biological children, let alone children who are strangers who have been hurt and abandoned by those who ought to love and care for them more than anyone else. So loving foster kids won't be easy. And there are times when it won't feel nice or be pretty. But being vulnerable and open to being hurt to minister love and comfort in the name of Christ is a beautiful thing.

This was from the bulletin at church several months ago and I taped it above my desk:

"By Your command, O God, I want to meet each person today, not just as an interruption to my plans or an obstruction to my will, but as a never-to-be-repeated life, made in Your image, in whom I can meet the very person of Jesus Christ."

Lord, please help me to see the opportunities you give me every moment of every day to love the people you have put in my life. Help me not to be too lazy or selfish to do that. And Lord if you call us into foster care ministry, please give us the wisdom, strength, and deep reserves of love that we will need to do the job.

I hope that we are able to foster at some point in the near future, but even if that door closes, I know that this compassion the Lord is laying on me is for a purpose. I will wait on him as patiently as I can and strive to serve him where I am until he shows me what that is. I am comforted by the beauty that vulnerability to the Lord has brought in my life. I didn't choose the path of infertility, but I have learned so much by walking it. So now I can say: Lord, I am open to your plan, whatever it is. You know what is best. I trust you to take my weakness and make it strength. That is what my birthday necklace symbolizes to me. An open heart to people, and an open heart to the will of God. When I wear it I hope it will remind me of all of this, which I am all to prone to forget.

Another Milestone

Today is the first day of Potty Boot Camp in our house, and at nap time it looks like things have gone pretty well. Iain has gone on the potty successfully 5 times and has only had one accident. I've been plying him with plenty of chocolate milk and we've spent a good deal of the day in the bathroom (he has made 24 trips to the potty so far today). The day has been a "happy day" according to Iain, so that makes me feel good. We've been watching potty videos online, coloring potty pictures, playing games, reading stories, and having special potty day drinks. And going to the potty every 10-15 minutes. I've been stuck to him like a senator on a stimulus bill all day and I'm feeling pretty worn out even though it is only two o'clock.

After his first success "I did it, mommy! I did it!" we called Daddy at work, Nana, and Grandma and ate graham crackers shaped like his beloved cars. He has been wearing new big boy underwear with trains or cars on them all day, and we are only on the third pair. We lost the first pair in the enthusiasm of that first success when tossed his underwear for joy into the air only to have them land in the newly filled potty. Whoops. :) I also gave him a new Curious George book that we read while waiting for It to happen. So it has been a happy, but tiring day. And naptime is over very soon!

What's for Dinner?

I am often baffled about what to make when I do my weekly menu planning, despite the fact that I've been in charge of making dinner for nearly 8 years! We tried this black bean soup tonight and it is a winner! It is wonderfully flavorful and fairly inexpensive to make. Sadly, I wasn't able to get a picture before we ate it tonight.

I've often found that the key to cooking recipes with many ingredients economically is part planning and part improvisation. Earlier this week we had burritos, so there was some overlap in the ingredients. And sometimes I just improvise a bit. Instead of buying a sweet potato I used carrots in this recipe.

I served it with some leftover tortillas that I baked in the oven to give them some crispness for dipping. It would also be good with a salad or quesadillas.

Here is the recipe: http://www.elise.com/recipes/archives/006252black_bean_soup.php

It came out awesome!

Heartbreak in the Theatre

While my sweet husband watched the Super Bowl, I took some time off and went to see a movie downtown. I decided to see Slumdog Millionaire, a story about an impoverished Indian boy named Jamal who makes it onto Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. He answers so many questions correctly that he draws suspicion and must defend his knowledge to police. That is all I knew about the film before I went to see it. I was completely unprepared for the emotional earthquake I was unleashing on myself. The film focuses on Jamal's childhood in the slums as an orphan. Nothing good happens. Watching a five-year-old orphan being tortured is not something that this mama's heart can take. This film has a happy ending, and is worth seeing, but it is not easy to watch.

The worst part is that while this film is fiction, the suffering of children world-wide is not. And they don't get a happy ending. God continues to fill my heart with compassion for orphans, but I feel so powerless. My empathy does nothing to help them and is a painful burden to me. Not that it is anything to compare with what these children actually live through. I'm asking the Lord to help me find a way to help them. Please pray with me that he will help me find an outlet for this burden he has given me.

I see that I am not the first to feel this way. Psalm 10:

Why, O LORD, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?

In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,
who are caught in the schemes he devises.

He boasts of the cravings of his heart;
he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD.

In his pride the wicked does not seek him;
in all his thoughts there is no room for God.

His ways are always prosperous;
he is haughty and your laws are far from him;
he sneers at all his enemies.

He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me;
I'll always be happy and never have trouble."

His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats;
trouble and evil are under his tongue.

He lies in wait near the villages;
from ambush he murders the innocent,
watching in secret for his victims.

He lies in wait like a lion in cover;
he lies in wait to catch the helpless;
he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net.

His victims are crushed, they collapse;
they fall under his strength.

He says to himself, "God has forgotten;
he covers his face and never sees."

Arise, LORD! Lift up your hand, O God.
Do not forget the helpless.

Why does the wicked man revile God?
Why does he say to himself,
"He won't call me to account"?

But you, O God, do see trouble and grief;
you consider it to take it in hand.
The victim commits himself to you;
you are the helper of the fatherless.

Break the arm of the wicked and evil man;
call him to account for his wickedness
that would not be found out.

The LORD is King for ever and ever;
the nations will perish from his land.

You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.

This is my comfort. I think I need to meditate on this:

But may the righteous be glad
and rejoice before God;
may they be happy and joyful.

Sing to God, sing praise to his name,
extol him who rides on the clouds
his name is the LORD—
and rejoice before him.

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.

God sets the lonely in families,
he leads forth the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land. Psalm 68:3-6

Making Do

I start so many days discouraged and often I allow that discouragement to rob me of my creativity and zeal for my job. Thankfully, this is something I am beginning to see in myself. So I'm trying to be intentional about fighting these feelings. I'm convicted as I'm writing that spending the 20 minutes that I ostensibly "don't have time for" to do devotions in the morning would probably also help and save me lots of mope time later.

Today the scenario is less than ideal, as it always is, isn't it? Really it is the rare day that emotions, desires, finances, to-do lists, and our frail flesh combine to bring a smile to the face. I had to babysit today, my back is still sore, the house needs attention, there is a pile of laundry to do, and I really need to do my menu planning and go shopping. It is also the end of the month, so I need to make every dollar count. So let's be real. What can I do to glorify God today? What can I be thankful for? This is where I need to train my thoughts to run, instead of on all that needs to be done and all the complaints I have.

So today's strategy for fighting off my depression is Making Do. I do this a lot actually. It is a really important skill to have if you want to live within your means. After picking up my little babysitting charge we came back home to try to make something productive of the time. As I was making them a snack and cleaning the kitchen I noticed a sad solitary banana quietly dissolving into brown mushiness. I was tempted to berate myself for allowing it to go to waste when inspiration struck. I used my new immersion blender (thanks, Santa!) to blend the banana and two oranges together with some milk. I supplemented snack time with some of it and froze the rest in an ice cube tray so I can grab them to whip up smoothies for breakfast some morning. I've heard of people doing this with baby food, so why not smoothies? (I threw some frozen raspberries in to make enough to fill the tray at the end.)


Next up was Making Do with my time. I can't get a lot done with two active children underfoot, it's true, but I can get something done. So I did. It is amazing what you can accomplish in little bits of time. My kitchen is clean and one load of laundry is folded and the toys are all put away. After a morning of babysitting, I'm satisfied with that.

The next challenge was lunch. The boys had toast with jelly for breakfast, so pb & j was out. That's usually my stand-by lunch when the cupboards are getting bare. Instead I baked two potatoes, mixed up a can of tuna, and popped some popcorn. They split a cup of applesauce for dessert.

Making Do makes me grateful. It helps me use what I have and appreciate it. It gives me a chance to use my creativity. And gratitude and creativity were sorely needed in my heart this morning. Thank you Lord, for the necessity of making it work, even when it isn't ideal.

Inauguration Day

I'm sitting here watching the Inauguration and I'm struck, as many people must be, by the sight of political rivals embracing. Of course, it is for show, but it is amazing. In so many countries this show of unity is impossible. In so many countries and in so many times past, political rivals strike and kill one another with no regard for the safety and happiness of the people of the nation. Thank you, dear Lord for the peace of our country. You have blessed us so richly here. We have day to day peace-- we expect and take it for granted. Our lives are stable and our standard of living is one of the highest in the world. Please forgive my complaining heart for the very few things I don't have. Please wash away that sense of entitlement that I and so many of my compatriots have been born with. Forgive and release from complacency and the idols of personal peace and affluence. Help me to use this peace and stability to further your kingdom, not to feed my flesh. Thank you for forgiving me for my sins. Thank you for your graciousness to me. Praise your holy name. Amen.

The struggle to trust

Last night I started reading The Strength of Mercy by Jan Beazely. I found it so compelling that I couldn't put it down until I'd finished the book. It is one family's testimony of adopting a child from Romania and even, to their surprise, starting an adoption agency.


But the happy ending in this book is not what not what encouraged me most. It was the story of one woman, one family, struggling and wrestling to pursue God's will and to trust him wholeheartedly, despite painful circumstances; intermingled with the powerful words of comfort that the Lord sent from Scripture, really stirred my spirit and encouraged my heart.

In particular one sentence from the introduction really caught my heart. "This book is a testimony to God's faithfulness and to the strength of His mercy even just for one child.... May His mercy move your heart and take you further than you ever thought possible."

Even just for one. It is so easy to feel overlooked and forgotten by God, but he cares for each person individually and will work his plan. As I, and every other person on planet earth can attest, his plans often cause us pain and difficulty, yes, even death. But he never ceases caring for his people. He never forgets us.

Here is a selection of other words that leapt out at me during my reading last night:

"The LORD Almighty has sworn,
'Surely, as I have planned, so it will be,
and as I have purposed, so it will stand.'"
Isaiah 14 :24

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him..."
Job 13:15a

"These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open."
Rev 3:7

The fact that God is our heavenly Father means so much more to me now that I have a son. I hate so much to discipline him, but I know it is my responsibility to train and nurture him, setting the safe boundaries by which he can grow into a healthy adult. I do cause him pain and suffering, but truly only with his good in mind. But he can't understand. Not yet. So he just has to trust me and obey, and one day it will be clear to him. I thank God for the overwhelming love he gives us for our children, because this is a taste of how much he loves us. He delights in me, more than I delight in Iain, the son of my longing, the son of my tears and struggles, the joy of my heart. I love to bless my son, and I rejoice over him with singing. God loves you that way too. He does. Don't forget it. Trust him.

"Just like Abraham, who tried to produce an heir before God's hand moved in supernatural blessing on Sarah's womb, most of us have tried at one time or another to manipulate God's will to make it fit out time frame, our desires, and our purposes. This manipulation can be so subtle that we may not realize what we've done until it is too late. Then we find our flesh has given birth to an Ishmael. " p. 57

That passage fits me like an pair of jeans. I am daily driven by my impatience to try to push things along a little quicker, to get on with it, get over it. But we learn so much in waiting on God. In our time in England we marveled at the general good behavior of dogs. They are welcome on buses and trains, and allowed to run off-leash in parks. They aren't allowed in shops though. I can't tell you how many times I saw dogs sitting patiently waiting outside stores, completely free and untied, just looking into the shop for their master. I never saw any amount of temptation move them, not the length of time, the multitude of other people walking past, enticing aromas, or other dogs. I remain amazed at their patient obedience. It seems a strange model to take for oneself, but how I need to be more like those dogs!

Today is Sunday, of course, and Brian and I were both powerfully moved by the service today. The entire order of worship resonanted deep in our hearts, nearly every piece already embued with meaning from past lessons. What a blessing it is when God speaks so powerfully and clearly and you feel the Spirit burning inside.

The Text for Reflection and Preparation:
"And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you." Genesis 45:5

or as Joseph later says to his brothers :

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive". Gen 50:20

The Opening Prayer:
Open our eyes, O God, to Your presence and action in our day, that we may see how you are active in preserving life and providing salvation in the midst of the worls'd violence and rebellion, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Call to Worship:

Elder: Praise the Lord!
People: Not to us, O Lord, not to us,
but to Your name give glory
because of your lovingkindness,
because of Your truth.

Or as, Brian and I have sung in the past:

Non nobis, Domine, Domine, non nobis, Domine
Sed nomini tuo da gloriam.

This song features prominently in the film version of Henry V, which is deeply significant to us. If you are interested to know why, you can read Brian's article about Henry V here.

Then we sang Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing (who can stay dry-eyed for that one?) and In Christ Alone, a song that will always remind me of the struggles and joys we experienced in the UK.

And then after the confession of sin, Shelton Woods preached this sermon about Joseph. (Choose the January 4th sermon.)

All of this adds up to an overwhelming word of comfort from the Lord as we have recently been thinking, talking, and praying about buying a house here in Boise or pursuing an adoption, and have been praying for several other people in our lives that are hurting, especially in this same area of infertility. He see us. He knows us. He has a plan, and nothing is impossible with him. We may go through pain and suffering and defeat and failure in 2009. Everything that we trust in other than the Lord may come tumbling down, but I, with Paul say:

"I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord". Romans 8:38-39