Please Continue to Hold

Well.... I think a found a new doctor, but he definitely isn't going to be as "user friendly" as the last one. He is quite a bit busier (which makes sense, since I'm moving from a PPO to an HMO plan) and works through a centralized scheduling department. I had to wait quite awhile to make my appointment, and the earliest appointment they have for new patients is March 29! Such is life. He was, according to my old doctor "the only competent doctor on the list [of health care providers approved by my insurance]" plus he came at the recommendation of a lady that I really trust who had the big H done by him.

I'm a little nervous about waiting so long, but it will give the medication that I'm currently on a chance to work. And besides, my old doctor said that the cysts are currently small and that I'll need another sono in a month or two. So he didn't sound terribly concerned. Still, I think that I will try to get an appointment with my primary care physician so that I can get the ball rolling with him if I need any referrals.

It does get frustrating at times, because they make you wait and wait and wait until you are on death's door and then they ask you why you let the disease progress so far! What a crazy world it is.

Sigh.

I just met a couple from Omaha who are down here to pick up a baby they are adopting through my agency. They have 6 kids already. Ouch. They just walked into Knox and asked to go in the bookstore, and as Lori was talking with them they mentioned what they were in town for. It was a completely Providential meeting. Even though it was hard to look at this couple and know that a mother (and more importantly, God) chose them for this child instead of us, I also know that God arranged it for them to come here today. In a way, it was a comfort because it means that the word about agency is getting out. But it is still hard to know that their baby could have been ours, and it could be us going to the hospital today.

Most importantly, Brian and I are forced to remind ourselves that God knows who our baby is, when he or she is coming, and has selected just that specific little one for us. Surely the God who created and maintains this glorious world, providing for all the intricately made creatures on it can bring us what we need in due season.

For now, we'll keep busy working, studying, and serving. We had one sucessful yard sale already, and several people have offered me more stuff, so we're having another one at my Mom's house in Januray. The Lord does provide for His people, even if His ways are a little quirky sometimes.

Upset

I just got back from the doctor's office. The sonogram shows I have more cysts forming on both ovaries. The doctor is supposed to call me next week and let me know some details. But come January 1, he can't be my doctor anymore because of health insurance changes. So I have to find a new doctor. Like now. And pray he/she knows what they're doing when it comes to surgery.

Today has just been an all around crummy day. It's pouring rain outside, I've been soaked numerous times, my feet are wet, I look a mess... and I'm so tired. I'm very uncomfortable-- so full feeling and under pressure because of those stupid cysts. Oh, and the doctor said that the dizziness that I've been feeling every day for the past who knows how long is completely unrelated to the the endometriosis, and that I need to see another doctor about that.

And I'm incredibly irritable. I'm really hoping I don't snap some poor person's head off, because I feel right on the edge.

Some days are just rotten.

Learning when to be quiet.

Well, I'm still working on that one (if you know me, you know how much I like to talk). But God is moving me a bit closer today. I was going to write about dumb things people have said to me about adoption. I guess I wanted to get back at them by slyly poking fun at them behind their backs. But Lamentations 3 was my devotional reading today. I read one book at a time, one chapter per sitting (and not very faithfully either, I might add), so it was pretty funny (i.e. Providential) when a friend gave a me a verse from Lamentations 3 yesterday. Only God (and me) knew that was what I would read today. I wish I had the time to post the whole chapter-- you should read it if you haven't recently. It starts out with Jeremiah speaking of his affliction "He has besieged me and encompassed me with bittterness and hardship. In dark places He has made me dwell.... My soul has been rejected from peace; I have forgotten happiness." Everyone has or will experience the pain Jeremiah is talking about. But he is not hopeless. What a wonderful book the Bible is!

"It is good for the man for a man that he should bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone and be silent since He has laid it upon him. Let him put is mouth in the dust. Perhaps there is hope. Let him give his cheek to the smiter, let him be filled with reproach. For the Lord will not reject forever. For if He causes grief, then He will have compassion according to His abundant lovingkindness. For He does not afflict willingly or grieve the sons of men...... Why should any living mortal or any man offer complaint in view of his sins? .... I called on your name, O LORD out of the lowest pit. You have heard my voice, 'Do not hide Your ear from my prayer for relief, from my cry for help'. You drew near when I called on You; You said 'Do not fear!'"

How foolish I am, and quick to speak. Always ready to indict others and plead for myself. How gracious is the Lord! He gives me trials and helps me to learn a bit through them and keeps from wallowing in despair.

Today was a painful day.

"What is your only comfort in life and death?

That I, with body and soul, both in life and death, am not my own, but belong to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ; who with his precious blood had fully satisfied for all my sins, and delivered me from the power of the devil; and so preserves me that without the will of my heavenly father; not a hair can fall from my head; yes, that all things must be subservient to my salvation, and therefore, by his Holy Spirit, he also assures me of eternal life, and makes me sincerely willing and ready, henceforth, to live unto him. Thanks be to God!"

-- Heidelburg Catechism, Question and Answer # 1

Inter-Racial Adoption

Sometimes when we tell people that we are willing to adopt a child of any race they are curious about it, which is understandable. It is hard enough to be adopted without having the whole world know it at a glance. Sometimes I'm afraid that people will question my right to be my baby's mom.

But Brian and I talked about it and we feel very strongly that it would be wrong for us to reject a child solely because of race. The gospel of Christ goes to all nations, Jew & Greek, male & female. God's graciousness and love does not heed national or cultural borders. How can we deny a child the chance to be raised in a loving Christian home just because we think we want a baby that looks like us? The child will still be adopted, black or white. Thinking about inter-racial adoption and being afraid of it has made me realize how pariochal I still am. Heaven is cosmopolitian.

We do realize that a black child raised by white parents will have a hard time fitting into this society, and that does concern us. But our hope is that this will only drive our precious one to Christ and to an early realization that the people of God do not belong in this world but to heaven. To be a Christian is to be misunderstood. And perhaps that is a gift, for the more accepted and loved we are by this world, the more ties we have that draw our eyes downward, keeping us distracted from eternal focus. Pray for our little one, that God would make His grace sufficient for him or her.

The Best Gift in the World

Sandy was tired. Dead tired. She'd worked all day cleaning other people's houses and now she was waiting for the late bus to take her home to her children and a mountain of other people's laundry. Sandy had no husband, just two boys, aged 8 & 10 who'd been home alone in the one room apartment since 3:20. Sandy looked at her watch. 8:32. It would be well after nine o'clock by the time she got home. It was the same every night. Sandy worked as much as she could to earn the money she needed to pay the bills and to pay off an $8,000 debt. She worked 60 hours a week as a maid and took in laundry, mending, and ironing to do in the evenings. Riding the bus from job to job took many precious hours from her working time every week. Sandy needed a car. And she needed $8000. And her boys needed so much too: clothes, shoes, a tutor for Peter, and braces for Mark. If she had a car she could get a job in a law office just outside the city. She'd done some legal work before and it had paid well-- much better than the $300 a week she was earning now. And she would only have to work until 5. But it was too far to walk and there was no bus route. So as she sat on that bus bench, Sandy didn't let herself think about being young and in school, dreaming of a sucessful career. She didn't let herself think about the law office. She didn't even think about her boys. She tried to stay numb and tried not to think, and at 30, she was getting pretty good at that.

"Ugh!" It was hard to believe that such a harsh sound had come out of such a pretty mouth. A young girl with long straight hair and equally long straight body threw up a well-manicured hand in disgust. She and an overweight, balding man stood in the parking lot of a car dealership.

"DaDDY." This term of endearment was anything but loving as it fell from those glossy lips. "This is NOT funny. No one would drive a car like this! It doesn't even look like it works."

The car was a several years old with low mileage and the old man had recognized value for the dollar. He shrugged sheepishly at the salesman as his daughter pulled him over to the new cars. The salesman of course made no objection, remarking, "She certainly knows what she wants."
"Well, you know kids," said the father, "they've got to have the newest thing."
The young lady was already ensconced in a brand-new convertible, preening. "Does it come in yellow?"she purred at the salesmen.

Sandy peeked out her apartment window, yelling at the boys to be quiet. She didn't recognize the two cars that were pulling in, and after several abusive relationships, she was cautious. A man she didn't know got out of the car, walked up to the door and rang the bell. His shirt said "Caring Hearts Center" on the pocket. Sandy opened the door and could barely take in what the man was saying. She had been selected... a donation.. a used car... an envelope was pushed in her hand. She opened it to see "Certificate of Title". Sandy felt her knees shake and saw the ceiling above her before she collapsed to the floor in a faint.


Why did I write this story? To remind myself that the best gift is a gift that we need. A gift that we need desperately. That is why Christ's righteousness given to me on the cross in exchange for my sin is the best gift of all time. Because it is what I need most of all.

Road Weary

Sometimes I really get tired of life! It seems like I'm always bouncing from one extreme to another. Either I'm haughty and proud or I'm depressed and timid. I'm paralyzed by an awareness of my sin and faultiness, or I'm callous to the conviction of the Spirit. Who will release me from this body of sin and death?? I'll be so glad to be done with this training ground.

We went to an adoption class held by our agency today. It was much better than I had expected. The woman who led it kept it very biblically oriented and appreciated that. I thought it would be a big psychology "give-your-child-self-esteem" session.

Well, I'm too irritated with myself to be too introspective, so that's it for tonight.

Good News!

We received our finalized, approved homestudy in the mail today! In the eyes of the state of Florida, we are fit for parenting.

Went to the doctor to today....

...Ugh. I hate going to my OB/GYN sooo much. The whole business is humiliating and makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. I went because I have been having pain again.... sure enough, the endometriosis is back. As my doctor put it, "some people's biology is just wacky." Now there's a day-brightener for you.

If you are curious about what endometriosis is, there is information to be found on these pages:
http://www.ivf.com/endoassn.html
http://www.endometriosisassn.org/endo.html
http://www.centerforendo.com/QandA.htm

So the plan is containment of the growths and pain management. He gave me a couple of prescriptions for that. I have to be watched carefully, to be sure it doesn't get out of hand, so I'm going for a sonogram next Friday. Eventually, I'm going to need a hysterectomy, but we're trying to stave that off as long as possible.

I wish people would stop telling me that I'm going to get pregnant. I really, really, really wish I could, but it would literally take a miracle. And yes, God can do all things, but that doesn't mean He will. It so discouraging to go month after month being diappointed that I'm not pregnant. I don't want to think that way anymore, because it just breeds discontent in my heart. I don't know how to tell people that. I would be very blessed if God opened my womb, but I don't want to look for that and cling to that hope. There are some things in life that He just wants you to go through.

Well enough of this kind of thinking and talk.

Things to do while waiting to be matched:

As most people know, there is generally a lot of waiting done during an adoption. Well, Brian and I are there now. We're waiting to get a call from Ava, our director, saying that she has a birthmom who might be interested in us. (As an aside-- Ava called me last week and I could be barely contain myself. Turns out she just wanted to let us know we should be getting our finalized homestudy in the mail. I hope I didn't sound deflated, because that's definitely how I felt! I guess I'm just a little trigger happy. )

So I'm trying to think of productive and useful things to do now before the baby gets here. (I'm pretty busy as it is, but sometimes you feel impatient and it helps to have some stuff to keep you occupied.) This isn't a to-do list, but just some suggestions for myself when I feel aimless:

1. Pray for my baby, my baby's mother, and our agency.

2. Clean out the house. Reorganize and dispose of useless items. Make room for baby stuff.

3. Have a yard sale. Adoptions are expensive!

4. Work odd jobs.

5. Take some classes at the seminary.

6. Save money!! (We've got a little baby fund set aside, so that when we need to get all our baby stuff, we'll be ready.

7. Spend time with friends and family.

8. Serve the church.

9. Blog.

10. Take a walk.

11. Read about adoption, baby care, and education.

12. Write letters to friends & family.

Well, that is my list for now. It ought to keep me somewhat busy. :) I'm open to suggestions, too.