Day 24- Mixed bag

1cc Progestrone
Vivelle patches
2mg Estrace am and pm
Baby asprin
Pre-natal vitamins

I should have blogged long before now. I have too much too say and it won't all fit nicely into one post. The doctor was pleased with the lining and estrogen levels on Monday's visit and we now have a firm transfer date set. Monday, September 19 at 10 am is the big day after all. So all that fuss and worry on my part was for nothing, as usual. I had a beautiful day yesterday-- such peace and a deep sense of the presence and power of God. What a beautiful gift. Brian read from Psalm 107:


Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good;
For His lovingkindness is everlasting.
Let the redeemed of the LORD say so,
Whom He has redeemed from the hand of the adversary,
And gathered from the lands,
From the east and from the west,
From the north and from the south.
They wandered in the wilderness in a desert region;
They did not find a way to an inhabited city.
They were hungry and thirsty;
Their soul fainted within them.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble;
He delivered them out of their distresses.
He led them also by a straight way,
To go to an inhabited city.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness,
And for His wonders to the sons of men!
For He has satisfied the thirsty soul,
And the hungry soul He has filled with what is good.
There were those who dwelt in darkness and in the shadow of death,
Prisoners in misery and chains,
Because they had rebelled against the words of God,
And spurned the counsel of the Most High.
Therefore He humbled their heart with labor;
They stumbled and there was none to help.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble;
He saved them out of their distresses.
He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
And broke their bands apart.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness,
And for His wonders to the sons of men!
For He has shattered gates of bronze,
And cut bars of iron asunder.
Fools, because of their rebellious way,
And because of their iniquities, were afflicted.
Their soul abhorred all kinds of food;
And they drew near to the gates of death.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble;
He saved them out of their distresses.
He sent His word and healed them,
And delivered them from their destructions.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness,
And for His wonders to the sons of men!
Let them also offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,
And tell of His works with joyful singing.
Those who ago down to the sea in ships,
Who do business on great waters;
They have seen the works of the LORD,
And His wonders in the deep.
For He spoke and raised up a stormy wind,
Which lifted up the waves of the sea.
They rose up to the heavens, they went down to the depths;
Their soul melted away in their misery.
They reeled and staggered like a drunken man,
And 1were at their wits' end.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
And He brought them out of their distresses.
He caused the storm to be still,
So that the waves of the sea were hushed.
Then they were glad because they were quiet;
So He guided them to their desired haven.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness,
And for His wonders to the sons of men!
Let them extol Him also in the congregation of the people,
And praise Him at the seat of the elders.
He changes rivers into a wilderness,
And springs of water into a thirsty ground;
A fruitful land into a salt waste,
Because of the wickedness of those who dwell in it.
He changes a wilderness into a pool of water,
And a dry land into springs of water;
And there He makes the hungry to dwell,
So that they may establish an inhabited city,
And sow fields, and plant vineyards,
And gather a fruitful harvest.
Also He blesses them and they multiply greatly;
And He does not let their cattle decrease.
When they are diminished and bowed down
Through oppression, misery, and sorrow,
He pours contempt upon princes,
And makes them wander in a pathless waste.
But He sets the needy securely on high away from affliction,
And makes his families like a flock.
The upright see it, and are glad;
But all unrighteousness shuts its mouth.
Who is wise? Let him give heed to these things;
And consider the lovingkindnesses of the LORD.

But today was a hard day. First, I had a conversation with a very beloved professor that hurt me very deeply. I couldn't easily dismiss him because he was speaking in love and he is a very wise man.

He looked at me and said "Are you sure you want to do this?"

When I said yes, he asked "And you want me to pray that all three will live?"

Again, yes.

"You do realize that if that happens, your husband will have to postpone his PhD studies?"

I told him that I didn't think that was necesarily so.

"Get real."

Ouch. I went off to lick my wounds and feel stupid and selfish and sulky. Was I a moron? Was I wrecking my husband's big chance to pursue his vocational goals and calling? I shot off a quick e-mail to my precious husband, and here was his response:

Don’t worry about Dr. X. He’s wise and I respect him more than I can express, but I really think he’s wrong on this one. I believe that family comes first and vocation comes second. That means I believe it is our first priority as a married Christian couple to raise up a Christian seed, and whatever I do for a career is subject to that. In light of that, if this embryo adoption somehow prevents me from studying further, then that is a trade I am willing to make. A few more considerations:

- While I do earnestly hope that all three embryos implant and go through pregnancy, it is a low probability. If this works, probably only one or two babies will make it to birth. If we had had a child naturally, would that have forced me to postpone my studies? What if God had given us twins naturally—would that have also forced me to postpone my studies? I don’t think so, and if it’s OK naturally then it’s OK with embryo adoption, too.

- It’s not as though the scenario we were preparing for was me working to directly provide for our family, and now I’m going to have to work harder to the preclusion of study. We’ve all along been instead relying on the Lord to provide the support we’ll need if this whole PhD idea is going to work out anyway. So if we’re asking God to provide for two or three people, why can’t we ask him to provide for five?

- Dr. Beisner studied in Scotland with way more kids than we would have, and they were older (and consequently required more money for food, etc., but they weren’t old enough to look after themselves or help terribly much). And although I joke about it, I’m serious about taking someone like Kilby with us to help out if we do actually have triplets. (Twins or lower, you’re on your own!) I think it’s a fair trade: room and board and the opportunity to live abroad for a year or two in exchange for helping out. So if we had triplets we wouldn’t necessarily be doing it alone. And if God can provide for two or three people, he can provide for six.

- Dr. Beisner also is an example of my family first, vocation second principle. When he was working as a journalist and writer in rural Arkansas, or a college professor in Chattanooga, he didn’t sit and think, with our current income, can we afford another child? No, he said, what God gives, God provides for. Sure, Dr. Beisner and others didn’t go into a doctor’s office, do a treatment cycle, and do an embryo transfer. But they did have sex, knowing that the outcome might be pregnancy, and they placed all these things in the hands of God. Even though we’re transferring embryos instead of having sex, the process is the same—we know that the outcome might be pregnancy, and we are placing all these things in the hands of God.

- It’s not as though I’m a high school graduate who’s trying to learn a trade or get a better education to provide for his family. When I’m done at Knox, I’ll have an MDiv., so even if further study doesn’t work out for whatever reason, I’m confident I’ll be able to work in the service of the Lord and for the provision of my family.

- Why would God open both doors to us (simultaneously, it seems!) if the two things were mutually exclusive? If God calls us to one thing (parenthood) and to another (study), then doing both must be possible, even if it’s difficult.

I love you, sweetie. If you’re a selfish moron, then I am too, because I choose Monday over Sussex.

See you soon.

Love,
Your Brian

I am so very thankful for my husband. He is the sweetest of God's many gifts in my life.

Then the doctor's office called. Way back before we had embryos to adopt, the doctor recommended a special immunology blood test for me. It was expensive and optional, but the doctor thought it was a good idea, so we did it. I'm glad we did. It appears that I have an antibody that may try to attack an implanted embryo and cause a miscarriage. They have a medication (Heparin-- a blood thinner) that can substantially improve your chances of carrying a baby, but this is hard news. My very own body is going to try to rid itself of these little lives? It seems perverse after all we've gone through and how much our heart's desire is to nurture and protect these babies. My philosophy is ok, but my biology is trying to subvert me! I know of one dear lady who had this exact same problem and was treated with the same medication, only to lose 3 pregnancies at around the 6 week mark. This is so hard. I just found out today. If I had known, I never would have pursued embryo adoption.

My husband, my children, and I are all in God's hands. Hallelujah! May He make that real to me and help me to trust Him.