I got home on Thursday afternoon to a message on my answering machine from Brian's cousin. Some time ago they offered to lend us their crib when they are done with it. Well, they are. We're supposed to pick it up today.
On one hand, I'm excited because after this last pregnancy disappointment I decided that I just needed to let go a little and wait on the Lord, trusting His timing. I was getting so desperate and consumed with working everything out according to my plan and my time frame that it was hindering my peace with the Lord. So I've stopped scouring the internet for new options every day. I've stopped crafting hare-brained schemes. And the Lord brings me a crib, as if to say, "See? I have the plan all worked out. My timing is perfect. I haven't forgotten you. Things are moving just the way they are supposed to without your help."
On the other hand, (the left one, just in case you were wondering) I'm afraid that this another test from the Lord. Another painful experience that God will use to make me grow. How will I handle it if we have an empty crib in our house that is never filled? Will it remind me everyday of my fears and inadequacies?
Should we set this thing up? I'm not quite sure where to store it. We have a guest room that we plan to use for a baby, should we ever be blessed that way. But right now, it is still a guest room and we previously decided to leave it that way until the time comes so that it can be useful.
Whether set up or not, I hope that this crib will focus me on God and not myself. Just as we did nothing to orchestrate its arrival, we need not try to manipulate circumstances to be blessed with a child. The Lord who provides a roof over our head, good jobs, a precious circle of friends and family, and a crib can in His Providence decide where, when, if and how we are blessed with a little one to fill it. Pray for us! We must learn to trust Him!
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