Wednesday, March 23, 2005

A Merry Heart Doeth Like Good Medicine

I could use a little cheer today, so I thought I'd post some medical humor. Enjoy!

Doc tells a guy he has a bad heart. The guy says "I want another opinion." The doc says "OK, you're ugly too."

The CEO of a large HMO dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter shows him to a lovely villa, wonderful music, great views, full staff of servants, gourmet meals, etc.
The CEO says, "This is terrific!"
"Don't get too comfortable," says St. Peter. "You're only approved for a three-day stay."

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that ... uh ... that uh ... thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs."

The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.
"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.
"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

What Doctors Really Mean:
"This should be taken care of right away."Translation: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable I want to fix it before it clears up on its own.

"Let me check your medical history." Translation: I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." Translation: I have a tee-time in fifteen minutes --or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news." Translation: The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let me schedule you for some tests." Translation: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." Translation: I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"This may smart a little." Translation: Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" Translation: I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" Translation: You're as crazy as a loon. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me...

"I'd like to run some more tests." Translation: I have no clue what's wrong. I need time to go home and search

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