Quotable

"Good afternoon, Knox Seminary."

"What did I call?"

"Knox Theological Seminary. Can I help you?"

"I'm calling about something on tv. Did you have something on tv? Call us or do something, or something? What was that?"

"I'm sorry sir, I'm not sure what you are talking about."

"Ok, I'll call back."

Great. I'm looking forward to it.

Fun Pregnancy Stuff

Well, I am going to the perinatologist on January 3rd for more information on that funky blood problem I have. I was kinda down about that, but the good news is... I'm getting a sonogram done that day! Yay! We're going to find out whether baby is a boy or a girl! Very exciting.

Also, I did a "quiz" online to get a "prediction" of our birth. Here is the result:

Madame Zaritska, our resident clairvoyant, wants to help you prepare for the arrival of your child. Here she does her best to predict certain aspects of your labor and birth experience.
The day you deliver, outside will be breezy. Your baby will arrive in the morning. After a labor lasting approximately 18 hours, your child, a girl, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 6 pounds, 12 ounces, and will be 19-1/2 inches long. This child will have blue eyes and be completely bald.

And I thought this little thing was cool:

A question for moms

When you were pregnant, did you experience an unpleasant pulling sensation in your lower abdomen?

It started out gradually, but now it really hurts sometimes! At first I was afraid something was going wrong, but I've heard some other women say something about it. Clarification would be great! I think it is a good thing since a doctor told me that pregnancy might pull apart some scar tissue from my surgeries. So I'm hoping that is what I am feeling. I go to the doctor for my 4 month check-up tomorrow (I'll be four months on Monday already!) so I'll mention it to her.

Our phone is down again at home! It was out for 10 days and then on for 3 or 4 and now it is off again. What a pain! I hope that they fix it soon. My MIL's phone is also down and she lives 1/2 mile from me, so I think that there is a widespread problem.

I'm still feeling VERY tired. I got 9 hours of sleep last night and could barely wake up. I feel like I've been drugged!

Yep, still pregnant.

Well, thank God for his assurances, even if they are a little inconvenient.

I've been having some major pregnancy symptoms today! I'm so exhausted that I can barely keep my eyes open right now. As soon as I get home, I'm going to sleep! Also, this morning I got up and discovered that one or both of the dogs decided that it would be fun to unwrap a Christmas present. (As I wrap mine, I put them under the tree and they never bothered them before.) At any rate, they took my Mom's gift and completely unwrapped it, destroying my bow and gnawing on the ornament that I had on the package. When I saw it on the floor, I burst into tears! The gift itself was fine but I really started crying. I think they felt bad. They kept coming up to me and showing off all their best tricks and trying to lick my face. You wouldn't think a dog could feel sorry. Who knows if they really did, but they sure were trying to cheer me up.

A silly post

This random post is courtesy of Jeni, and the finals I took today which subsequently fried my brain and deprived me of the ability to post unaided.

1)7 Things I Want to See or Do Before I Die (Lord willing)
My husband with his DPhil
My sweet baby's face
The Hagia Sophia (that's the awesome building pictured on the far right at the top of my blog)
Become seriously well read
Serve Christ's vulnerable ones
Get my house clean (truly the impossible dream)
Greece & Italy

2)7 Things I Cannot Do:
Get my house clean
Be content
Allow children to act like beasts
Have patience with others who allow children to act like beasts
Understand Aristotle
Figure out how to inexpensively transport or store all our earthly goods for the next three years
Stop complaining

3)7 Things That Attracted Me to My Husband
His brain power
His ability to stand for truth
His protection & gentleness
His laugh
His mischevious look
His love for Christ
His strong arms

4)7 Things That I Say Most Often
I can't believe I have to go again-- I JUST went!
Stinky Pete.
Hi baby. Mommy loves you.
Good morning, Knox Seminary.... Knox Seminary.... There is no one by that name here. I believe you are trying to reach someone at CRPC or Westminster Academy...
I'm tired.
No Dr. Gage, I'M the real Pope.
When the baby comes...

5)7 Books/Series That I Love
Little House on the Prairie
Narnia (I thought the movie was great!)
The Hidden Art of Homemaking
Austen
Dickens (with the exception of Oliver)
Tommy & Tuppence Series (Christie)
Les Miserables (This is the only book that I ever recommend the abridged version of. Unless of course, you are really dying to read about the history of Paris' sewer system.)


6) 7 Movies That I Could Watch and Watch
The Princess Bride
North by Northwest
The Sound of Music
Dial M for Murder
The Merchant of Venice (Beware: there is nudity in this, but it is an awesome treatment of law and grace)
Laurel & Hardy
Henry V


Ok, that's it. Perhaps not very entertaining, but it is my contribution for the night!

Exams

I'm currently listening to the exam reviews for two of my three classes. All three exams are on Monday. I'll be glad to get them over with! This semester has been a bear. What with the medicines, doctor trips, and procedures associated with the baby, the illness of our dear pastor, preparations for our post seminary plans, and hurricane Wilma have made this a difficult time. I've felt so distracted from my studies, so I'm just focused on passing-- not my usual overachiever A+++ mode (Susan, you didn't think that part was funny in Christmas Story???). I think most people have heard me ungratefully whining that I'm still in school at this point. This certainly wasn't MY plan. The Lord provided a way to get a Master's for free, and at the time my life was feeling woefully empty. But my heart has never been in a career or higher education. I know that the Lord must have a reason for working things out this way. I hope that somehow He uses this to glorify Himself. I'm going to be taking a whole semester condensed into 3 weeks in January (so don't talk to me then, unless you feel like losing an appendage). I'm really dreading that. Then I'll have to take two classes in the spring and e done. That should be pretty manageable, especially as I will stop working at some point during that time.

So I guess I'll quit whining about school now, try to work diligently, and see what the Lord is going to do with it all!

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge

Keep sound wisdom and discretion
So they will be life to your soul
And adornment to your neck.
Then you will walk in your way securely
And your foot will not stumble.
When you lie down you will not be afraid
When you lie down your sleep will be sweet
Do not be afraid of sudden fear
Nor of the onslaught of the wicked when it comes
For the Lord will be your confidence
And will keep your foot from being caught.
Proverbs 3:21-26

I've really been struggling with fear and worry lately. I didn't realize how much so until this past weekend. Early Saturday morning I woke up in a sweat and choking back tears because of a dreadful nightmare. I dreamed that we lost the baby and I delivered it and held it my hand (it was about the size of palm) and just wept and wept. It was terrible. I couldn't go back to sleep after that. So later that day I met my Mom to go shopping for maternity clothes, and all these misfit feelings rose up in my chest. I couldn't be happy. I didn't want to buy the clothes. I felt like an imposter and like I was in the wrong place. I have consistently had a hard time accepting that I am pregnant and this really came out in the dressing room. I was shocked at myself. This was defintely not how I wanted to be feeling. So I was forced to think about it, and the Lord convicted me of my lack of trust in Him. What have I to fear if the Lord (who is all good and all powerful) is on my side? Nothing.

Woohoo!

I am now off of a majority of my medications! All I am still taking is my heparin injection twice a day and my pre-natal vitamin. Hooray! This is going to save a lot of money and hassle. :)

Christmas Shopping?

My brother in law, Allan, and his wife, Christine, were down for Thanksgiving and they brought this amazing gift catalog from Samaritan's Purse. This is a compassion ministry run by Franklin Graham and you can make donations to a variety of truly compassionate causes on behalf of someone. If you are trying to think of a gift for someone who really already has more than they need, consider this ministry. They will send a card notifying the recipent of the gift made on their behalf.

Here is the link for their online catalog:
http://www.samaritanspurse.org/ (Then click on Giving and Gift Catalog)


You can choose from a variety of needs:
Feed a hungry baby for a week
Help children (particularly girls) in Afghanstan learn to read
Help purchase transportation for traveling preachers
Give Bibles
Purchase livestock for families to support themselves with
Help provide vocational training for impoverished people in poor countries
Provide clean drinking water for families

I had never heard of this ministry before and my heart often yearns for a way to help the truly needy and to give a cup of cold water to Christ. Thanks so much Allan and Christine for showing me the catalog!!

I'm thankful for...

...pants that fit! I went to Old Navy last night got two pairs of pants off the clearance rack. Hooray! I'm so much more comfortable now. The Grinch's shoes were two sizes too tight and we all know what happened to him.

...my precious baby! How good God is! He has made the impossible possible. Brian and I were just reflecting on how wonderful it is to be able to take care of the baby from the very beginning and to protect it from the risk of drug and alcohol exposure. (Not that all birth moms do that, but some do and I'm glad that won't happen to our baby.)

...my dearest husband! So much is encompassed in that word husband: friend, protector, leader. It is that rare ability to be gentle and strong at the same time.

...my loving Savior, who is wiser and kinder than my dear husband and who never forgets His people.

I am so blessed.

A happy milestone

As of yesterday, I am 12 weeks pregnant! Hooray! Brian and I are very pleased to have made it through the first trimester. I am still sick and tired, but I'm hoping that will begin to fade soon. It is such a relief to know our little one has made through those crucial formative weeks. In honor of this momentous occasion, we've decided to share our names. We chose them for their meanings.

If it's a boy:

Iain Zechariah Douglas

It means "The Lord is gracious, he has remembered me"

For a girl:

Sophia Joie Douglas

"The Lord's wisdom brings joy"

We're so very excited!! Any thoughts on the sex of the baby? Both Brian and I kinda think it is a girl (which is a guess based on nothing but facts and logic, but I can't reveal my secrets--ha ha). But my Mom thinks it is a girl too, and she has a perfect track record of always being wrong. Care to offer your speculations?

Hurricane Wilma Pictures

Here's our house:





This was the view from our back door:



Here's the back yard:



And here's me doing laundry sans power. My back was sore the next day! Who needs to go to the gym? Just get rid of all your appliances.



This is Brian's parents' roof!



Here are some "around town" shots:





We were very thankful we had no damage since we don't have windstorm coverage. (It is CRAZY expensive.) The Lord was very merciful. I was also thankful that P-nut, aka Trouble, aka Precious Baby was safe in Mommy's belly and not in a freezer somewhere dependant on a generator for life.

Blessed and Blessed

Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope for His lovingkindness,
To deliver their soul from death
And to keep them alive in famine.
Our soul waits for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart rejoices in Him,
Because we trust in His holy name.
Let Your lovingkindness O Lord, be upon us,
According as we have hoped in You.
Psalm 33:18-22


The Lord was so very kind to us this week. Last Wednesday I started to bleed and had to leave work. The doctor put me on bed rest for two days, and I was able to get appointment with my OB on Monday. I spent the weekend quietly at home, waiting for the appointment. We went to the doctor and we delighted and so thankful when the Dr. found the heartbeat. Praisee God from whom all blessings flow. That was very scary and we are so thankful we didn't lose our last little one. Thank you all for your continued prayers for Baby.

I'm due on the 6th of June. It seems far away now, but the first trimester is almost over already and now the holidays are coming so I'm sure it will come quickly. My clothes are already starting to get tight! Is that normal?

Well, I will post the sonogram pictures and the hurricane pictures soon. I promise! Life has just been a bit crazy lately.

The Twelve Days of Wilma!

We got power back Saturday night after 12 days of darkness! We were so happy!!! Unfortunately, there are still people without power-- including Brian's parents. This storm has been quite a disruption, but thankfully no major damage occured to any of our family or the seminary. We have been very blessed. I will post some pictures soon-- there is much to tell! We had a great vacation, rode out a hurricane, and had two sonograms. More updates will come soon, but I wanted to let you all know that I am still alive!

The Unity of the Body of Christ

Brian and I attended Allan and Christine's Church (Covenant Pres. of Nashville) this past Sunday and during the prayer request time in Sunday School someone remembered First Pres of Gulfport, MS and prayed for Guy Richard by name. I thought that was so neat. It gave me an overwhelming sense of he universality of Christ's church. Also, one of the pastor's there is Stuart Latimer Jr, who is the son of my pastor's wife's old pastor. As if that sentence made any sense. :) It was cool to exchange greetings with him. He is an excellent teacher, by the way. Very much in sync with what Dr. Gage has done with typology, oddly enough. So we promised to send him a copy of the new Joseph and Judah book.

We've been having a blast this week. I will post more (and hopefully pictures!) when we get back.

Also, I've been feeling pretty nausated the past three days-- looks like I'm not going to get out of morning sickness after all. Should be a long car ride home. :} That's a sickly smile, in case you were wondering. It's been a grea trip and we have lots to tell, but that will have to keep!

Blessed in more ways than one

I realized as a sat in class tonight how much I owe to Dr. Gage. We covered a lot of ground tonight, but one of the central themes of tonight OT class was the heavenly promises of God. His most valuable gifts are the spiritual ones. We are sojourners looking for a heavenly kingdom and eternal fulfillment, not earthly shadows that quickly pass away. And so much of what was said was familiar because we covered much of the same material in last spring's OT Theology, but in greater detail then. As Dr. Gage spoke my soul resonated with agreement. Yes, yes, YES! So much of this I know by experience. So much of this the Lord sustained me with in my time of trial.

And then I realized how gracious God had been to me. Dr. Gage was the one who spoke of those heavenly hopes every week. He was the one that provided the material that bolstered my soul. He gave me the framework to read God' promises and look for more than instant gratification. How much of the meditations on this blog are a result of his work? I don't know. But I am grateful to God for sending me that teaching from His word when I needed it most.


In other news, I had to go back for my second pregnancy test today. I was delighted to discover that I am indeed still pregnant and the HCG is doubling every day just as it should. I am so thankful. I still can't get over God's physical blessing to me. He had me looking so hard for the spiritual seed that I didn't think He intended to give me an earthly one. I've learned so much from sorrow, can I learn as much through joy?

I have to go back on Wednesday for one more test. (Brian swears they are milking us, and I myself am not sure why this is necessary, but it something that they do to everyone. And it is nice to have the confirmation that the baby is there. I feel so normal that it all seems like a dream.) After that, we are heading to Tennessee on Friday to see Brian's brother, Allan, and his wife, Christine. I'm really looking forward to that. It has been quite a while since we've seen them and it is a great time to take a vacation. Hopefully I'll find the time to catch up on some class reading! I've been so distracted by the events in my personal life lately. After we get back from TN, we go for our first ultrasound! I'm so excited. Then we'll see how many the Lord has blessed us with.

Well, here's a another excited post all wrapped up! :)

Poodles in Hell

This is just too funny not to share...

I was eating lunch with my pastor and his wife, Robin, yesterday and the conversation turned to a newspaper column that they had read recently. Someone had written and asked the pastor of a local megachurch if pets go to heaven when they die. He said that they did. Robin nearly had a fit. "I had two poodles" she said. "One was good and one was bad. And let me tell you, if anyone is going to hell, Pierre is!"

I thought I'd die laughing.

And in case you're wondering, I don't believe in any sort of afterlife for animals. :)

Hope Restored

Oh how marvelously we have been blessed! We got a postive pregnancy test today! We're still in shock, but it is slowly beginning to sink in. The Lord is so very great. He knew exactly what He was doing when He gave me infertility. I'd like to tell you a story...

When I was still in college, the local library was selling some books for a quarter. I spotted a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting and pounced on it, since I knew I'd want it someday. Hey, when the price is right... Then came the surgeries and the scar tissue and physical impossibility of conception and the moral impossibility of IVF. So I gave away my book because I was tired of seeing its mocking face on my shelf. It was the physical acknowledgement of the death of a well-cherished hope.

While I was going through all the pain of barrenness, the Lord led me to the book of Isaiah with its bitter condemnation and beautifully sweet redemption. There are so many scriptures that are precious to me in that book. They were water in the wilderness to this desolate soul. My blog title was taken from one of those verses. Isaiah 35:1 was also a precious verse because it reminded me of the marvelous spiritual restoration that God has given and is giving me: The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.

Well, today was a day of restoration. Hopes long dead sprang back to life. And can you imagine what God sent me today? 15 minutes after coming in to work, Dr. Beisner brings me a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting! Then Kilby walked in and gave me roses! The Lord used that to remind me of Isaiah 35:1 and how amazingly and graciously He has fulfilled that for me, both spirtually and physically. God took my hopes of children away from me and has given them back, more precious than ever. How kind He is to His children!

PS: A most heart-felt thanks to Mrs. Beisner-- the means of God's sweet gifts to me today!

Our first baby photos!

Day 30--transfer complete!

This is Brian writing on Jordan's behalf. She's on bedrest yesterday and today after the transfer, but we wanted to get the word out about what happened.

We arrived at the doctor's office at 9:30am yesterday. They took blood and began prepping Jordan for the transfer. The doctor came in and told us that two of the three embryos had survived the thaw. We could tell just looking at each other that our feelings about that were very mixed. On the one hand, it was wonderful news for the two that survived, but on the other hand, it saddened us that one of our babies was already gone.

Only about two minutes later, however, the lab tech came in and the doctor asked, "Two survived, right?" The tech replied, "No, all three." It turns out the doctor had us confused with another couple who was there for a transfer--all three of our embryos had survived the thaw and were ready to be implanted! What a feeling of joy we had knowing that God's hand was already with us and that all three of our babies would have the opportunity to live! The typical nationwide rate of survival for frozen embryos is about 50%, meaning the probability of three embryos surviving a thaw is 12.5%. Our doctor said her group has a survival rate of up to 75%, which would mean the probability of three embryos successfully thawing is just over 42%. So although the odds were against us, God was gracious. As we've said all along, our God doesn't care about the odds.

So they transferred all three embryos (we could actually see them briefly on the sonogram!), had Jordan rest for a half hour, reviewed her medicine schedule with her (she's still on most everything she was before the transfer), and sent her home. We'll go back next Thursday for a blood pregnancy test. If the test is positive, they'll do several blood tests at two-day intervals after that to make sure everything is going well, and at some point not too far away we'll actually be able to tell via sonogram how many babies we'll be having. It's hard to wait--we'd really like to know if this was successful.

We feel very blessed that Rita stayed away long enough for the transfer. She was a threatening tropical storm and has now become a hurricane. Much of South Florida is closed down today because of her, so we're just happy that she didn't come to visit yesterday. God has been so gracious to us.

We are so very grateful for everyone's prayers. We both noted after the transfer was over that the prayers of the saints were almost tangible while we were at the doctor's office. Thank you so much for the love and care (and flowers!) you have given us. Please keep praying--the doctor repeatedly emphasized how they have never had twins from frozen embryos, so again the odds are against all three surviving. But as I wrote before, our God cares nothing about the odds. And I felt like telling the doctor, "You've also never had a couple in here before who were as prayed for as we are!" We're going to continue to pray for triplets--it'll be fun to see what the doctor thinks about that!

I'll stop now since, after all, it's Jordan's blog. We love you all very much.

~BSD

Day 28-- Anticipation

1 cc progestrone
micronized progestrone am & pm
baby asprin
prenatal vitamins
vivelle patches
dostinex
doxyclycline am & pm
estrace am & pm

Well, here we are. It is hard to believe that three babies (Lord willing) will be inside me tomorrow. Oh my. Of course we won't know until the 29th whether or not any of them were sucessfully implanted.

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank you so much that you have an eternal plan for your glory and my good. Thank you for loving me so very much and redeeming my life from the pit. Thank you for giving us these three babies for whatever amount of time we'll have them. Precious Savior, I trust you to do what is best. I know my babies couldn't possibly be any safer because they are in your hands and you love them more than I ever possibly could. Please love them with your everlasting redemptive love. Please help Brian and I to love you and trust you more everyday no matter what our physical circumstances may be. We know you love us for it is in your precious name that we pray. Amen.

Day 24- Mixed bag

1cc Progestrone
Vivelle patches
2mg Estrace am and pm
Baby asprin
Pre-natal vitamins

I should have blogged long before now. I have too much too say and it won't all fit nicely into one post. The doctor was pleased with the lining and estrogen levels on Monday's visit and we now have a firm transfer date set. Monday, September 19 at 10 am is the big day after all. So all that fuss and worry on my part was for nothing, as usual. I had a beautiful day yesterday-- such peace and a deep sense of the presence and power of God. What a beautiful gift. Brian read from Psalm 107:


Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good;
For His lovingkindness is everlasting.
Let the redeemed of the LORD say so,
Whom He has redeemed from the hand of the adversary,
And gathered from the lands,
From the east and from the west,
From the north and from the south.
They wandered in the wilderness in a desert region;
They did not find a way to an inhabited city.
They were hungry and thirsty;
Their soul fainted within them.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble;
He delivered them out of their distresses.
He led them also by a straight way,
To go to an inhabited city.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness,
And for His wonders to the sons of men!
For He has satisfied the thirsty soul,
And the hungry soul He has filled with what is good.
There were those who dwelt in darkness and in the shadow of death,
Prisoners in misery and chains,
Because they had rebelled against the words of God,
And spurned the counsel of the Most High.
Therefore He humbled their heart with labor;
They stumbled and there was none to help.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble;
He saved them out of their distresses.
He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
And broke their bands apart.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness,
And for His wonders to the sons of men!
For He has shattered gates of bronze,
And cut bars of iron asunder.
Fools, because of their rebellious way,
And because of their iniquities, were afflicted.
Their soul abhorred all kinds of food;
And they drew near to the gates of death.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble;
He saved them out of their distresses.
He sent His word and healed them,
And delivered them from their destructions.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness,
And for His wonders to the sons of men!
Let them also offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,
And tell of His works with joyful singing.
Those who ago down to the sea in ships,
Who do business on great waters;
They have seen the works of the LORD,
And His wonders in the deep.
For He spoke and raised up a stormy wind,
Which lifted up the waves of the sea.
They rose up to the heavens, they went down to the depths;
Their soul melted away in their misery.
They reeled and staggered like a drunken man,
And 1were at their wits' end.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
And He brought them out of their distresses.
He caused the storm to be still,
So that the waves of the sea were hushed.
Then they were glad because they were quiet;
So He guided them to their desired haven.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness,
And for His wonders to the sons of men!
Let them extol Him also in the congregation of the people,
And praise Him at the seat of the elders.
He changes rivers into a wilderness,
And springs of water into a thirsty ground;
A fruitful land into a salt waste,
Because of the wickedness of those who dwell in it.
He changes a wilderness into a pool of water,
And a dry land into springs of water;
And there He makes the hungry to dwell,
So that they may establish an inhabited city,
And sow fields, and plant vineyards,
And gather a fruitful harvest.
Also He blesses them and they multiply greatly;
And He does not let their cattle decrease.
When they are diminished and bowed down
Through oppression, misery, and sorrow,
He pours contempt upon princes,
And makes them wander in a pathless waste.
But He sets the needy securely on high away from affliction,
And makes his families like a flock.
The upright see it, and are glad;
But all unrighteousness shuts its mouth.
Who is wise? Let him give heed to these things;
And consider the lovingkindnesses of the LORD.

But today was a hard day. First, I had a conversation with a very beloved professor that hurt me very deeply. I couldn't easily dismiss him because he was speaking in love and he is a very wise man.

He looked at me and said "Are you sure you want to do this?"

When I said yes, he asked "And you want me to pray that all three will live?"

Again, yes.

"You do realize that if that happens, your husband will have to postpone his PhD studies?"

I told him that I didn't think that was necesarily so.

"Get real."

Ouch. I went off to lick my wounds and feel stupid and selfish and sulky. Was I a moron? Was I wrecking my husband's big chance to pursue his vocational goals and calling? I shot off a quick e-mail to my precious husband, and here was his response:

Don’t worry about Dr. X. He’s wise and I respect him more than I can express, but I really think he’s wrong on this one. I believe that family comes first and vocation comes second. That means I believe it is our first priority as a married Christian couple to raise up a Christian seed, and whatever I do for a career is subject to that. In light of that, if this embryo adoption somehow prevents me from studying further, then that is a trade I am willing to make. A few more considerations:

- While I do earnestly hope that all three embryos implant and go through pregnancy, it is a low probability. If this works, probably only one or two babies will make it to birth. If we had had a child naturally, would that have forced me to postpone my studies? What if God had given us twins naturally—would that have also forced me to postpone my studies? I don’t think so, and if it’s OK naturally then it’s OK with embryo adoption, too.

- It’s not as though the scenario we were preparing for was me working to directly provide for our family, and now I’m going to have to work harder to the preclusion of study. We’ve all along been instead relying on the Lord to provide the support we’ll need if this whole PhD idea is going to work out anyway. So if we’re asking God to provide for two or three people, why can’t we ask him to provide for five?

- Dr. Beisner studied in Scotland with way more kids than we would have, and they were older (and consequently required more money for food, etc., but they weren’t old enough to look after themselves or help terribly much). And although I joke about it, I’m serious about taking someone like Kilby with us to help out if we do actually have triplets. (Twins or lower, you’re on your own!) I think it’s a fair trade: room and board and the opportunity to live abroad for a year or two in exchange for helping out. So if we had triplets we wouldn’t necessarily be doing it alone. And if God can provide for two or three people, he can provide for six.

- Dr. Beisner also is an example of my family first, vocation second principle. When he was working as a journalist and writer in rural Arkansas, or a college professor in Chattanooga, he didn’t sit and think, with our current income, can we afford another child? No, he said, what God gives, God provides for. Sure, Dr. Beisner and others didn’t go into a doctor’s office, do a treatment cycle, and do an embryo transfer. But they did have sex, knowing that the outcome might be pregnancy, and they placed all these things in the hands of God. Even though we’re transferring embryos instead of having sex, the process is the same—we know that the outcome might be pregnancy, and we are placing all these things in the hands of God.

- It’s not as though I’m a high school graduate who’s trying to learn a trade or get a better education to provide for his family. When I’m done at Knox, I’ll have an MDiv., so even if further study doesn’t work out for whatever reason, I’m confident I’ll be able to work in the service of the Lord and for the provision of my family.

- Why would God open both doors to us (simultaneously, it seems!) if the two things were mutually exclusive? If God calls us to one thing (parenthood) and to another (study), then doing both must be possible, even if it’s difficult.

I love you, sweetie. If you’re a selfish moron, then I am too, because I choose Monday over Sussex.

See you soon.

Love,
Your Brian

I am so very thankful for my husband. He is the sweetest of God's many gifts in my life.

Then the doctor's office called. Way back before we had embryos to adopt, the doctor recommended a special immunology blood test for me. It was expensive and optional, but the doctor thought it was a good idea, so we did it. I'm glad we did. It appears that I have an antibody that may try to attack an implanted embryo and cause a miscarriage. They have a medication (Heparin-- a blood thinner) that can substantially improve your chances of carrying a baby, but this is hard news. My very own body is going to try to rid itself of these little lives? It seems perverse after all we've gone through and how much our heart's desire is to nurture and protect these babies. My philosophy is ok, but my biology is trying to subvert me! I know of one dear lady who had this exact same problem and was treated with the same medication, only to lose 3 pregnancies at around the 6 week mark. This is so hard. I just found out today. If I had known, I never would have pursued embryo adoption.

My husband, my children, and I are all in God's hands. Hallelujah! May He make that real to me and help me to trust Him.

Day 17-- Hooray!

5 units Lupron
Vivelle patches
Dostinex
2 mg Estace am and pm
Baby asprin
Pre-natal vitamins

I just got back from the doctor's (28 miles one way in incredibly snarled traffic-- If I had to do that everyday I'd be a wreck!) office and my sonogram looks really good. My endometrium is 13 mm thick, and according to the assistant, "gorgeous". Well, my mama always told beauty is on the inside. I guess she was right. :) The lining only needs to be 10 mm thick to do the transfer, but the thicker the better. So that is very good news. It depends on where my estrogen level is (I'll get those results tonight) , but it is looking like the transfer date won't be delayed after all. Yay!

Comforting Thoughts

"The Lord trieth the righteous" Psalm 6:5

All events take place under the watchful eye of Almighty God. Consequently, no trials come to us without His knowledge. All blessings are potential doors to trial. Men may be drowned in seas of prosperity as well as in rivers of affliction. Temptations and trials lurk on all roads. Because this world is under the dominion of Satan, we are surrounded with dangers. Yet, no shower falls unpermitted from the threatening cloud; every drop has its order before it descends to the earth. The trials which come allow us to prove and stregthen our faith. By them, we may illustrate the power of divine grace, test the geniuneness of our virtues, and increase our spiritual energy. Our Lord, in His infinite wisdom and superabundant love, sets such a high value upon His people's faith that He permits them to experience trials strengthen their faith. You would never have possessed the precious faith which now supports you if the trial of your faith had not been like a fire. You are a tree that never would have rooted so well if the wind had not shaken you and made you take firm hold upon the precious truths of the covenant of grace. Worldly ease is a great enemy to faith. It loosens the joints of holy valor and snaps the sinews of sacred courage. The balloon never rises until the cords are cut. Testing accomplishes this sharp service for believing souls. While the wheat sleeps comfortably in the husks, it is useless to man. It must be threshed out of its resting place before its value can be known. It is good that the righteous are tried for it causes them to grow rich toward God.

--Morning and Evening, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, September 3 Evening

Day 16- Moody

5 units Lupron
2 mg Estrace (am & pm)
2 Vivelle patches
Prenatal vitamins
baby asprin


Can I blame it on the hormones?? I'm really wishing I could. Every little thing seemed to irritate me today. I went to worship class with Brian tonight and that was nice. I have such a sweet husband. He talked me into going, so instead of sulking at home alone I got to sit with his arm around me listening to lectures about the worship of God. What a blessing.

Speaking of irritation, I removed my old patches and replaced them with new ones. I have to do that every three days. No big deal, right? I've been sticking myself with a needle every day for the past two weeks, so what's two little stickers on my tummy? Stickers made to withstand sweat and water and rubbing that has been on for three days and the skin underneath is less them happy. So I pulled them off.

Mother of Pearl. THAT REALLY HURT.

The package said to pull them off slowly. It must have been written by the inquisition! Let's drag out the torture. :) Seriously, it's not that bad, so don't post any sympathy comments. But I have to amuse myself somehow, so I whine. But it is like the stickest nastiest bandaid ever. THAT'LL wake you up!

Day 14-- Back in the saddle

2 Vivelle patches
2mg Estrace morning and evening
Dostinex
5 units Lupron
Prenatal vitamins
Baby asprin

I went to the doctor's yesterday for my sonogram and blood test. My estrogen was down to 32 from 95 and they said I could start taking the estrace and patches again. I'm not sure if this will affect the transfer date or not-- they said it would depend on how well my body responds to the hormones. My endometrium is still very thin. I think it was 4cm thick, but I don't remember for sure. I need to ask how thick they want it to be next time I go. I'm going again Wednesday morning at 7:30.

I had a really rough night last night. I stayed home from church to catch up on some rest. I just woke up and am feeling much better, thank God.

Last night we had dinner at Dr. and Mrs. Reymond's house. It is a rare treat to get an invitation to visit them, and we had such a nice time. We are so blessed to go to a school where the professors really care about their students and try to nurture and mature them.

Day 11-- Not sure how many days left

Well, I did make to the doctor's office yesterday. It was quite an ordeal because I had to get someone to cover me at work and then I had car trouble. The doctor's office is a 30 minute drive away and just as I was exiting the highway my car started dinging. The heat gauge was pointing to H! I was only two blocks away so I kept going and kept my appointment. Anyway to make a long story short, I have a leak in my radiator system somewhere and it won't hold any water! So I had to drive back to work at 35 miles an hour on regular streets in a rainstorm! I took my car to the shop and arrived back at work 3 hours after I left. Oy!

Turns out that it was a good thing that I got the doctor's office, cuz they didn't like the look of my bloodwork and had me stop taking estrogen. I have to go back Saturday for another test. So this may delay the transfer. :( I'll keep you posted, of course.

Stressed-- Day 10

Lupron 5 units
Dostinex
Baby asprin
Prenatal Vitamins
Estrace 2 mg
Vivelle patches

I had wanted to post everyday about my meds, but that hasn't really worked out. Up to this point it has been prenats, asprin, and 10 units of Lupron every day and I haven't really experienced any side effects except for being a bit nervous and shaky.

The Lord was very gracious to us through the hurricane. Katrina was only a category 1 and we had no major damage done. We did not even lose our power, although 50% of the county did. We are so very thankful, because had Katrina formed further out in the ocean we could have had a direct hit from a category 4 or 5 hurricane. We've been praying for people in Louisana a lot.

I am very stressed this morning. The beautiful gift of peace seems elusive. I have had trouble communicating with the doctor's office ever since the hurricane and according to my schedule I am supposed to go in for tests today, but I have no appointment. This is very upsetting because they stressed to me the importance of doing everything exactly as it is laid out in the treatment plan. They are pretty far from my home and I have to work today and the girl who normally covers me is on vacation, so that adds to the pressure. I have left messages for them, so right now I'm just waiting for them to call. Also, I appear to have lost my cell phone. I had it yesterday in my pocket when I changed clothes and I thought I put in my bag, but it is completely AWOL. So I'm hoping that they don't try me at that number!

I'm praying that the Lord will show me how to trust Him and to remember that He has all things in His hands. He that is Lord of the storm, and the Lord of the cross can handle my little life far better than I know.

Oh rejoice in the Lord
He makes no mistake
He knoweth the end of each path that I take
For when I am tried and purified
I shall come forth as gold.

That's a song we sing in church-- I can't seem to find the author's name right now, or I'd post that too. May it be my heart's song this morning!

Day 3--26 days to go!

10 units Lupron
Ortho-Novum
Pre-natal vitamins
Baby Asprin

All is going well on the medicine front. I haven't forgotten to take anything so far. I haven't really had any side effects either-- except a little bit of trembling, which may be completely unrelated since I can't find that listed as a side effect. Also, I have mastered the art of the subcutaneous injection (if nothing else, this project is expanding my vocabulary). No more funny bubbles under my skin (:~)! Injecting myself daily is not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be.

I got a surprise this morning when I read the newspaper-- we have a tropical storm which has sprouted up quickly just off the coast. Looks like we're having a hurricane Friday. Well, what do you know? This storm is going to cancel many of the first classes at Knox and convocation if it keeps its course. On the other hand, as long as no real damage is done, hurricanes can be fun. It's the Floridan version of a snow day. Only you get to wrangle long lines of gas hungry SUVs at the gas station and fight grouchy old ladies for the last bag of hot dog buns. Seriously though, I got that stuff taken care of after work today, so we should be set. Katrina looks like she is going to be pretty mild and we're thankful for that since we're right in the center of the projected track. Ain't she purty?

Countdown to Transfer: Day 1

I gave myself my first injection this morning. It didn't hurt, which I was very happy about! It is a really small needle so I think that helps. Anyway, I didn't do it quite right because all the medicine stayed in a little pocket under my skin for awhile. Yuck! It was kinda gross. I called my Mom (she's an RN) and she said that it was ok, I just pumped the medicine in too fast and probably held the needle too perpindicular to my skin. I was glad that I could call her!

I put all the times and amounts of the meds up on a giant wall calendar in the kitchen to try to help me keep it straight. I have nine different things that I'm s'posed to be taking at different times in differing doses. My prescriptions cost almost $1000. It is pretty crazy. And I'm going to the center this afternoon where everybody wishes they weren't pregnant! But the Lord knows what He is doing and what each person needs most in their life. I'm trying to convince God that I need triplets to cure me of laziness! :)

1 day down, 28 more to go! To God be the glory!

So Proud

Brian is going to be published! He wrote an article about population decimation due to abortion (you can read it on his blog). He submitted it to the local newspapers and they didn't want it, but Christian Renewal did. They're a reformed newspaper with a circulation of about 4,000. I'm very excited because this is the first step towards the kind of writing and teaching that he would like to do for a living.

In other random news, the doctor decided that I don't need to do a mock cycle of hormones, and that the cycle I start on 8/22 will be the real thing. The tenative transfer date is 9/19, so please keep us in prayer on that day! I'll keep you posted.

A copycat of a copycat

Brian wrote a quiz, too:

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=050813225644-402950

Copycat

Kilby made a quiz. (Which was way too hard, by the way.) So I decided to make one too! You can take it here:

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/takequiz.php?quizname=050813222825-101725

What is a blastocyst, anyway?

A baby. A five day old embryo that has already developed from one cell (called a zygote) into a morula (12-16 cells) into a blastocyst (40-150 cells). In five days the baby grows from 1 cell to over 100. Incredible. And all of these cells will turn into the different kinds of cells that are in our body. That's one reason why scientists want to do research on embryos. They can't figure out how one cell can create everything in the human body. They want to be able to do the same thing that this tiny embryo does. It is like tearing open a rose bud so that you can find out what makes it blossom. Only the rose bud isn't made in the image of God.


This is what a blastocyst looks like.

From the moment of conception this baby has a sex, eye color, hair color, and skin color. Depending on what researchers you listen to, its personality, height, weight, and intelligence are also there, encoded right into that DNA. From the moment the sperm enters the egg a unique person with his or her own unique set of genetic traits has been formed. In five days, the baby is in the blastocyst stage and is moving out of the Fallopian tube in preparation to implant in the uterine wall. The baby now has a ring of cells surrounding it that will become the placenta and umbilical cord (these cells are called the trophoblast) and the cells of the baby itself are called the embryoblast. All of this has a protective covering called the zona pellucida that protects the baby from the uterine environment until it is developed enough to implant. The baby breaks out of this "shell" around the sixth day after conception. There is a complex chemical process that occurs between baby and mother that allows the embryo to implant. The mother's uterine wall (called the endometrium, just in case you wanted to know--:)--) actually partially absorbs the baby and begins rerouting capillaries to nourish the baby. Here is a photo of a baby nestled snugly in the endometrium:



The speed of development is amazing. I won't bore everyone with a long(er) post about every step of fetal development, but suffice it to say that 23 days after conception a tiny immature heart begins to beat, and by day 28 arms, legs, and eyes have begun to develop. This is all before most women know that they are pregnant. Here is a five week old embie:



By the eighth week the baby is more than 1 inch long and all of its organs and systems are present. All they need to do is grow and mature. This why doctors caution women to be extremely careful with nutrition and what they expose themselves to in early pregnancy. Since all of these vital organs and systems are forming, this is the time that the baby is the most fragile and vulnerable. Every conception website will tell you to be especially careful to get complete nutrition and vitamins and to avoid harmful substances if you want to conceive.

For some more embryo development info, you can check out these sites:

For Photos:
http://www.precious-life.com/life_in_the_womb.htm

http://www.guilfoy.org/journey.html

For Biology Info:

http://www.visembryo.com/baby/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blastocyst

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/002398.htm

Have Thine Own Way Lord

Today was a crazy day. But the Lord is still holding me in His hands and blessing me with beautiful peace.

Here's the long and short of it:

I made countless phone calls to two pharmacies, the bank, the doctor, and the financial folk at the doctor's office today in order to get everything squared away so I could start treatment tomorrow. About 50 million details needed to fall into place ASAP in order for me to start so soon. They did. But...

I was feeling really awful today. I was even so dizzy that I fell down in the parking lot on my way into work this morning. Uh oh. Turns out I've got my period ten days early. Scratch starting the treatment tomorrow. It'll have to wait til next month now.

I'm still going to the doctor tomorrow for some blood work and to get a treatment plan. We'll see what happens with that.

"Will the faultfinder contend with the Almighty? Let him who reproves God answer it." Job 10:2

"For I know the plans that I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a fuure and a hope." Jer. 29:11

My Hope is in the Lord

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold O Lord, You know it all.
You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,"
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

Psalm 139:1-12, 23-24

I have good news to share!

On Friday, Brian and I had decided to finish our Snowflakes application and turn in it, since Dr. K has not been very good about returning our calls since April. (She works for the fertility clinic and was supposed to look for embryos for us.) Well, my cell phone rang on Friday morning. I didn't pick it up and when I later checked the voicemail, it was Dr. K. I tried to call her back 3 times onFriday, but she wasn't there. So that put the Snowflakes application on hold 'til we talked to her. She returned my call on SATURDAY. Can you believe it? This doctor never calls me and she called me on Saturday.

She has three embryos in her possession for us! Three babies that belong to us! What a precious, precious gift. What a marvelous blessing from God! Three little embryos (blastocysts) 5 days old. My heart overflows with peace and thanksgiving. What a merciful and gracious God we serve. I don't deserve this blessing.

It will take at least two months-- possibly three before they try the transfer. I'll be going to the doctor's office a lot and taking all kinds of hormones. The doctor is supposed to call today and let me know when to come in and get started. Please pray for us. Pray for the souls of these three tiny ones. Pray that they will all survive and that the Lord will help us trust completely in Him, no matter what happens. There is a good possibility that we will lose all three. That would be extremely painful, but I will not regret giving these babies a chance to live. I'm so thankful that God is in control of all the details. Please pray that I will trust Him completely and not be anxious. Thank you so much for your prayers!

Sweet Freedom

Thursday night marked the beginning of summer for me. That's when the final exam from my summer class was due. Now Monday and Thursday nights are free and I don't have 200+ pages of 17th century political philosophy to read. Last week was SO busy with Brian's party seminary wives' planning meeting, and the killer 16 page essay response for the exam. Yesterday Brian and I had the whole day to ourselves to do whatever we wanted and it was great. Mostly we hung out in the bookstore-- we're both book junkies and we were intoxicated with the freedom to read anything we wanted to. I've already finished one "junk-food" book already. Nice. We also watched Bridge on the River Kwai and an episode of Lost I'd taped and didn't have time to watch. Is anybody else into that show? I just caught a re-run on TV a few weeks ago and got hooked. It is a little weird (I've heard that the creators are big fans of The Twilight Zone) but it is very unique and tells a big comprehensive story. Every episode is a continuation and they aren't constantly explaining everything to you--as a matter of fact it is a big mystery. So anyway, I like it 'cause it is more artistic than most TV. I'm not unreservedly recommending it though. It has some objectionable material in it, unfortunately. Anyway, I've only seen a few episodes.

All that to say, yesterday rocked. I purchased a whole fat stack of books and can hardly wait to dive in. Plus next weekend we are headed for our no cars, no electricity, island vacation on the west side of the state. All I need is my swimming suit and my books.

We also got the party pictures back yesterday. Here are a few!


The Beisner boys were ready to play ball!




Brian with Dr. Beisner


Carrie and Nicci are chillin'.

The Grillmasters. Our Dads graciously agreed to do the honors. Many thanks!


Me and my Mom. Awww....


Susan snapped this shot of me, mid-sentence. Thanks, Sus. :) I got her back by taking a photo of her with food in her mouth, which I won't post here because I'm a good friend.


Kilby, Jordan, and Susan. I like this one!


And here are the All-Star teams: the Yankees and the Brian Lions.

We had a great time. The Lord is so gracious to us to bless us with so many friends.

Well, that's enough lazing around for now. I want to get some serious laundry and cooking done. It is so nice to be home and have time to do that. When will I learn to stop piling stuff on and just be content to diligently work on the little things that really matter? Maybe that is part of why God gave me this illness. To help me realize that yes, the world can keep turning without me. The Lord is very gentle and kind and so very wise! I'm reminded of Lucy in Narnia:
"Aslan, you're bigger."
"That is because you are older, little one," answered he.
"Not because you are?"
"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger."

Birthday plans

Well, Brian's birthday is this Saturday and preparations for the world's greatest baseball party/barbeque ever are under way. We're having it at a park and have invited waaay too many people. :) It is going to be a lot of fun. Some of the guys are already talkin' trash. "I'm gonna knock the ball straight outta the park." It's pretty funny and it should be even more funny to watch them play on Saturday. We're really blessed to know so many great people.

Brian will be 26! I know that is still very young, but I can't believe how quickly the time has gone by since we were married. Next year after he finishes at Knox he'll be 27-- which means he'll be at least 30 by the time he finishes his PhD. Crazy. One of these days I'm going to wake up dead.

Does new furniture make you cry?

I got home on Thursday afternoon to a message on my answering machine from Brian's cousin. Some time ago they offered to lend us their crib when they are done with it. Well, they are. We're supposed to pick it up today.

On one hand, I'm excited because after this last pregnancy disappointment I decided that I just needed to let go a little and wait on the Lord, trusting His timing. I was getting so desperate and consumed with working everything out according to my plan and my time frame that it was hindering my peace with the Lord. So I've stopped scouring the internet for new options every day. I've stopped crafting hare-brained schemes. And the Lord brings me a crib, as if to say, "See? I have the plan all worked out. My timing is perfect. I haven't forgotten you. Things are moving just the way they are supposed to without your help."

On the other hand, (the left one, just in case you were wondering) I'm afraid that this another test from the Lord. Another painful experience that God will use to make me grow. How will I handle it if we have an empty crib in our house that is never filled? Will it remind me everyday of my fears and inadequacies?

Should we set this thing up? I'm not quite sure where to store it. We have a guest room that we plan to use for a baby, should we ever be blessed that way. But right now, it is still a guest room and we previously decided to leave it that way until the time comes so that it can be useful.

Whether set up or not, I hope that this crib will focus me on God and not myself. Just as we did nothing to orchestrate its arrival, we need not try to manipulate circumstances to be blessed with a child. The Lord who provides a roof over our head, good jobs, a precious circle of friends and family, and a crib can in His Providence decide where, when, if and how we are blessed with a little one to fill it. Pray for us! We must learn to trust Him!

Drops of Honey

I've recently had the opportunity to serve a bit more in my life and that has been wonderful. To feel, even in a small way, a sense of serving the Lord, gives me purpose--something that my infertility snatched from me.

At work I've had the blessing of helping students find housing and jobs. It is really an awesome place to be, because God provides faithfully for His people and it is a constant encouragemnt to see how that is accomplished. I always really enjoy welcoming the new students and getting to know them and hearing about what God is doing in their lives and how He has brought them here.

I also have the blessing of planning our seminary wive's fellowship. I should post sometime about the weird resistance/inadequacy complex that most seminary wives have. A far too great majority of husbands neglect training them and involving them in what they are learning in school. It is very tragic. And it results in a ministry team that is unbalanced and not of one accord. Anyways, sem wives fellowship is no replacement for a husband's care and training, but we hope to be a means of encouraging wives to be involved in their husband's education and a time for them to learn and be mentored by experienced godly women. I just am praying that we will be a place for women to learn and fellowship together and to refocused on their ultimate goals and purpose. Planning for this year with the help of some other girls is really exciting to me. I hope the Lord brings good fruit from these efforts.


And I also have the blessing of being somewhat involved with the local crisis pregnancy center. They have two big fund-raisers that pay their bills, a banquet and a walk. September 17 is the Walk for Life and I'm collecting donations. Their goal is to have 20 people give 20 dollars for each walker. $400 pays for 380 pregnancy tests, or their phone book ad for the year, or the electric bill at 4 centers. They just recently acquired an ultrasound machine and starting September 1, they will start offering free ultrasounds to their clients. I'm so excited about that. I really think that will change some girls' minds. It's really hard to ask my friends and co-workers for money, but I know that is the only way that I will raise any money! Anyway, if any of my blogger buddies want to donate, that would be awesome. You can just shoot me an e-mail and I can put you down.

These are just small things that the "great" folks of the world would wonder at my finding purpose and meaning for myself in. Yet the Lord has been gracious in giving me these aids in fighting off this plague of worthlessness that I've felt. It has been truly miserable. To feel that I am serving His kingdom in even a small way is a joy.

Broken Hearted

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12

"For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake,
But My lovingkindness will not be removed from you,
And My covenant of peace will not be shaken,"
Says the LORD who has compassion on you.
"O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted,
Behold, I will set your stones in antimony,
And your foundations I will lay in sapphires.
"Moreover, I will make your battlements of rubies,
And your gates of crystal,
And your entire wall of precious stones."
Isaiah 54:10-12

She said to them, "Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. "I went out full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why do you call me Naomi, since the LORD has witnessed against me and the Almighty has afflicted me?"
Ruth 1:20-21

Now when Rachel saw that she bore Jacob no children, she became jealous of her sister; and she said to Jacob, "Give me children, or else I die."
Then Jacob's anger burned against Rachel, and he said, "Am I in the place of God, who has withheld from you the fruit of the womb?"
Genesis 30:1-2

Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant.
Genesis 25:21

There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. He had two wives; one was called Hannah and the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had none.
Year after year this man went up from his town to worship and sacrifice to the LORD Almighty at Shiloh, where Hophni and Phinehas, the two sons of Eli, were priests of the LORD. Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the LORD had closed her womb. And because the LORD had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the LORD, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. Elkanah her husband would say to her, "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?"
Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on a chair by the doorpost of the LORD's temple. 10 In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. 11 And she made a vow, saying, "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."
As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine."
"Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."
Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him."
She said, "May your servant find favor in your eyes." Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.
1 Samuel 1:1-18

On the seventh day the child died. David's servants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, "While the child was still living, we spoke to David but he would not listen to us. How can we tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate."
David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized the child was dead. "Is the child dead?" he asked. "Yes," they replied, "he is dead."
Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.
His servants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!"
He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
2 Samuel 12:18-22

I really, really, really thought that just maybe I was pregnant.



So I went to the doctor.



Negative.


It is hard to describe the pain that infertility causes. It isn't a rational thing. It just hurts. Heart-wrenching, tear soaked, sob out loud pain that leaves behind exhaustion and despair.

I've been trying to wish away the pain, to stuff it down and hide it, to pretend that it isn't there. But these Scriptures remind me that pain is real. And pain isn't wrong. And pain is for a season. Thank God.

Be still and know

And shall I pray Thee change Thy will, my Father,
Until it be according to mine?
But, no, Lord, no, that never shall be, rather
I pray Thee blend my human will with Thine.

I pray Thee hush the hurrying, eager longing,
I pray Thee soothe the pangs of keen desire.
See in my quiet places wishes thronging,
Forbid them, Lord, purge, though it be with fire.

And work in me to will and do Thy pleasure,
Let all within me, peaceful, reconciled,
Tarry content my Wellbelov-ed's leisure,
At last, at last, even as a weaned child.

-- Amy Carmichael, courtesy of a much loved and respected woman

Huh.

Well, life is interesting.

I got home and found a message on the machine from the Dr. (the one we've been waiting for a call from for 2 months). Anyway, she said that she might have some embryos for us, but she is waiting to finalize the details. I'm not sure if she is leading us on again, or if there is something to it. She didn't leave any details-- how many, what stage, what grade, where they were frozen. I'd kinda like to know some details before the whole thing is a done deal. I think I need to talk to her, but I'm a little afraid. I'm intimidated by her-- she's very brisk.

Then, I talk with my Mom and she said that she knows someone who knows a Christian reproductive endocrinologist who doesn't do reductions and only implants 3 at a time. Wow. I've been searching for someone like that for a year. That would be totally awesome if it pans out. I didn't think that there were any Christians in this business.

And then there was that ad today. Who knows what will happen? Only the Lord. And He is really the only one that needs to know right now. Still, it would be interesting to teleport and read my blog this time next year. What will it say?

A lead...

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Ex. 14:14

Thank you, dear Lord, that you are in charge of all things. Please give me peace and help my soul be still as we make decisions and seek Your guidance. Help to remember how much you love me and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.

I found an advertisement on the internet of a couple that is looking to donate their 13 embryos. We plan on contacting them via e-mail today. The woman was 32 when these embryos were created, and that is very good. After 35, the eggs deteriorate rapidly. The couple lives in Florida too, which is also good because it is best to thaw the embryos where they were frozen. At least 10 of these embryos are grade 1, which means they are very healthy and well-formed. It is hard not to get your hopes up. I'm sure these folks are swamped with e-mails right now. There so many "what-ifs" in this infertility road. So many details would have to fall into place for this to work out. I pray the Lord would give me enough grace not to beat my head against the wall trying to force everything to work out the way I'd like it to, but instead to trust that He has the best plan and to rest in that.

A Good Law

From the Sun Sentinel website:

By DAVID ROYSE Associated Press Posted June 30 2005, 11:39 AM EDT

TALLAHASSEE -- Doctors will have to notify the parents of girls 17 and under who are seeking abortions starting Friday under one of several laws that go into effect.

The abortion measure followed a constitutional change that gave the Legislature the ability to put the new requirement into law _ although it has been challenged in court and could be delayed.

The law, signed earlier this year by Gov. Jeb Bush, will require doctors to phone or meet with parents of most girls 17 or under 48 hours before performing an abortion on them. If that's not possible, they can use certified mail 72 hours in advance. It wouldn't apply to girls who are married or have already had a child. The measure also lets judges grant a waiver based on a patient's best interests, her level of maturity or if she has been a victim of abuse by her parents.A similar 1999 bill was blocked by the courts, which found it violated the privacy provision in the Florida Constitution. But voters last fall approved a constitutional amendment creating an exception to the privacy guarantee.

The current measure has also been challenged in federal court, but so far it hasn't been blocked from taking effect Friday.Bush said this week that abortion is a serious medical procedure that parents ought to know about.``We're talking about allowing parents _ not to give their consent _ but to be notified,'' Bush said. ``To be notified if a child is having an abortion.... It is a very serious operation.''Abortion opponents say it could be dangerous for young women, particularly those who may be in unstable families.``The law really endangers the lives and health of young women,'' Stephanie Grutman, executive director of Planned Parenthood of Florida, said Tuesday. ``It has provisions in it that do not allow doctors to use their best judgment.''

As if doctors really have a judgment call to make. I've never heard of any doctor refusing a patient an abortion--he may have to refer to a specialist, but my understanding is that the patient has a right to an abortion if she wants one. So where does the doctor's judgment come in? They don't notify anybody's parents now. They can't. Even if a parent calls and asks if their daughter had an abortion, it is a violation of privacy law to answer that question. So how does this new law take away a doctor's judgment? I guess my point is this: you want an abortion, you call the clinic, make an appointment, and you do it. That's it. There's no judgment call in it for anyone except the girl-- who is a minor, mind you. This law only applies to single girls under 18. And the parents still don't have to give consent, they are merely informed. Really, the double standard here is ridiculous. You can't give a child any kind of medical treatment (with the exception of emergency life-saving care) without parental consent. Parents have to sign forms so that their children can use their asthma inhalers in school for crying out loud! I'm sorry that you are afraid to tell your parents. I'm sure it is a terrifying and horrible thing to do. But not telling them doesn't change the reality of the situation: an underaged girl making a life or death decision that will effect her emotional and physical health forever. I'd say she could use a little help with that.

Looking for a Gracious Backbone...

... and a brain capable of understanding Samuel Rutherford (I've been assigned Lex Rex for class this week and it just isn't sinking in. Must be user error.)

Ugh. Just spent a depressing evening scouring the internet for more information and resources about embyro adoption/donation. I actually found a site that offered eggs from women whose SAT scores were over 1275. Unbelieveable. Nothing puts me in a Hemmingway mood faster than sorting through this junk. That was one reason that I decided to start blogging. I wanted to try to put something positive out in cyber space about this whole infertility thing. I want to share real hope, not hope contingent on a positive pregnancy test or a call from an adoption agency. Even Christian sites are very results oriented. I want to be reminded that God is in control NO MATTER WHAT. At all times. He is not surprised by anything, and He loves me more than anyone else. If He is all-good and all-knowing, then everything really is going to ok in the end, no matter what it looks like right this second. I need to be reminding of that over and over again. That's my hope and comfort.

Anyway, that is not what I was planning on writing about. I've identified another major character flaw. (I sure do seem to have a lot of them. Maybe that is what God meant when He said my heart was deceitful and I was full of hidden sin.) I can't stick up for truth. Actually, I've discussed that here before, but I was thinking about it again today. I want to be truthful and loving. But I don't know how. Well, it is something else to pray about.